Thursday, February 6, 1997
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Gif Animations May Cause Cancer, Study Shows

Endlessly repeating animated gifs, those creepy, obnoxious, egregious crimes against nature, frequently found at the top, bottom, and sides of web pages at such criminal and inhumane sites as CNN and CNET, have been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals and laboratory Spellings.

"Various animals, including rats, pigeons, otters, possums, weasels, and iguanas, were each given Compaq Presario-200 laptops with MMX-enhanced Pentium 166 processors, 32 Megs of RAM, 2.1 Gigabyte harddrives and 10X CD-ROM players," said researcher Rebecca Kramer of the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland.

"The control group was allowed access to all sites on the web which had absolutely no endlessly repeating animated gifs whatsoever, while the test group was allowed access to only CNN and CNET, which have almost nothing but endlessly repeating animated gifs."

According to Kramer, all animals in the test group died horrific deaths after viewing the CNN and CNET sites for an average of about 10 minutes, while animals in the control group not only survived, but wound up establishing their own websites which immediately received Cool Site of the Day awards for originality and design excellence.

"It's well known that Java causes diarrhea, Active X controls cause uncontrollable vomiting, and Microsoft Internet Explorer causes Alzheimers," said Kramer, "But those are all considered acceptable risks in exchange for the power and beauty and grandeur and glory of using the web -- whereas, the animated gif cancer thing seems like a more serious cause for concern."

In response to the study, both CNN and CNET announced that all their web pages would now contain infinitely repeating animated gif banners warning that infinitely repeating animated gifs may cause cancer.

In a related story, researchers at the Cyber-Promotions and Make-$$$-Fast! Institutes of Health have determined that completely reading at least 3 pieces of "unsolicited" email each day, totally counteracts the carcinogenic effects of viewing 1 hour of infinitely repeating animated gifs.

According to Kirk Vomit Jr, a researcher at the Spam_Is_Good Institutes of Health, "Responding to junk email with your credit card number can actually reverse the aging process and significantly reduce the body's natural craving for heroin and angel dust."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F