Friday, February 6, 1998
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Clinton Holds It In,
Weather Goes Crazy

Washingtown, DC - (Feb 6) - According to the current issue of the New England Journal of the Union of Concerned Meteorological Associations of America, all those massive nationwide thunderstorms and snow storms and floods and mud slides and hurricanes and tidal waves and earthquakes in the last few days are all simply "the effect of a universe-wide zero-sum struggle now playing out between the most powerful man in the history of the world and the sum total of all orgasm across the history of the cosmos."

Gore Drops Out

Vice President, Al Gore, announced, today, that, contrary to near-universal expectation, he would not seek, nor would he accept, the Democratic Party's nomination for president in the year 2000.

Said Gore, "What's the point of being the most powerful man in the world, if you can't even use it to get a lousy blowjob once in a while?"

Gore also heaped praise upon the successes of his boss, the President of the United States, stating, "He was born in abject poverty, in a single-parent household -- and his rise to the US presidency is a true Fellatio Alger story."

Upstart Company Announces Fastest Processor Ever

GDV Inc., a totally unheard of company, run by totally unheard of people, speaking in a language no one can quite understand, announced, today, that they had developed "a 500,000 gazillion quadrillion giga-terahertz microprocessor which is actually faster than time, itself -- so Intel, Motorola, and DEC might as well all just go fuck themselves [and the horse they rode in on]."

The new ultra- ultra- ultra- high-speed processors will allow end users to view words and images on a color monitor.

New Shuttle Crew Named

NASA has released the names of the crew members of an emergency Space Shuttle flight which will blast off from Cape Canaveral early tomorrow morning. The flight is being launched to do some emergency repair work on the sun, which is, apparently, out of control and needs to have its thermostat turned down or something.

The crew will consist of Captain Ken Starr, Mission Specialist Monica Lewinsky, Mission Specialist Linda Tripp, Co-Pilot, Vernon Jordan, Mission Specialist Paula Jones, Cleanup Specialist William Bennett, Mission Specialist Betty Curry, and Mission Good Ole Boy Webster Hubbell.

The shuttle will be carrying a cargo of "soiled tissues" containing lipstick traces and assorted presidential bodily fluids and, after it lands, the specially trained crew will carefully place the "cargo" around the surface of the sun, thus lowering its temperature by 2 degrees and ending the current downpour in California so everybody can take their clothes back off.

Airplane 9: The Airport

Congress yesterday, or the day before, voted to rename Washington DC International Airport after former President, Ronald Reagan.

Following long and heated debate the name "Ignorant Self-Righteousness International Airport," was selected over "Self-Righteous Ignorance International Airport."

The airport will also be entirely redesigned and reorganized to function exactly like the thought processes of the former president, while in office -- so that, for example, air traffic controllers will routinely forget about planes endlessly circling the runway, and experienced pilots will suddenly forget how to land. Or why.

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