Monday, February 9, 1998
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Monica Is My Daughter!!!

Clinton Tells All; Steps Down

Washington, DC - (Feb 9) - President Bill Clinton, today, announced that his real name is Lewinsky, and that Monica is really his daughter, and that's why she visited the White House 437 times, and why an occasional intra-familial blowjob is no big deal, and why he didn't talk about it so as not to upset the bogus Mr. Lewinsky who had been drugged and brainwashed into thinking he was the real Mr. Lewinsky and that Monica was really his daughter.

With that apparently out of the way, Clinton went on to explain why he's not the fucking sex addict maniac that everybody thinks he is.

"Since Andrew Jackson," he said, "The American Presidents have kept a big secret from the American people and even from the press and their closest advisers and friends."

"See," he went on, "The Presidents of the United States, living and dead, have this little contest between them that nobody knows about."

Clinton then removed an elegantly-bound 160-year-old book from the podium and held it up to the reporters.

"Just like William Bennett has his Book of Virtues, the Presidents of the United States have their own Book of Blowjobs, which is simply a running record of who gets/got what in the most powerful room in the world, the so-called Oval Office, which, by the way, isn't shaped like a human orifice for nothing."

Clinton explained how there is a secret Presidential Oath of Office, which one President gives to the next, in private, when no one else is around.

"In this oath," Clinton said, "The incoming President swears to never reveal the existence of this, you know, kinda adolescent Presidential Blowjob Contest -- though, my lawyer informs me that there is sort of an escape clause for, like, when you're being driven out of office, or the press is just being too much on your ass, or you've just racked up the highest score of all time and can prove, mathematically, that no one will EVER be able to do any better."

Clinton broke into a broad smile at this point and got all personal and confessed to the assembled reporters how proud he was to announce that, yes, as of yesterday afternoon, he had, in fact, just surpassed the all-time record, and WON the contest! -- "For the American people!!"

He then resigned the presidency and burned the blowjob book right in his hands, thus guaranteeing that no future President would ever break his record, or that, if they did, they sure weren't gonna know it.

Software Bug Found In Human Brain

According to the Journal of Concerned New England Unions of Associations of America, a researcher at John Doe University has discovered a fatal programming flaw in the human brain.

The fatal flaw, which is already being referred to as "El Nino of the Mind," apparently causes people to watch nanny trials, kill 6 year old beauty queens, and cheer wildly for the guy who's just set the all-time record for blowjobs in the oval office during OUR lifetime.

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