Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Wednesday, Feb 9, 2000
Bush Claims Reformer Mantle; Cites Solid B Average in Reform School
Wherever - (Feb 9) - Smirking, coke-snortin', dumbass lightweight good ole boy Texas Governor, George W. Bush, today, pointed to his solid B average during a youth spent in and out of many different reform schools, as proof that he's all like this cool reformer kinda guy an' all and that whatever else he claimed to be today, or was it yesterday, wasn't just a load a bullshit like that load a bullshit coming from his corrupt lyingass opponent, what's his name.

"Unlike my lyingass opponent," said Bush firmly, "you know, whatever."

Forbes Drops Out On Account Of Bein' a Goofyass Creep
Creepy goofyass "publisher" Steve Forbes withdrew from seeking the Republican presidential nomination today citing his being a creepy goofyass as possibly the reason why.

"I guess the American people just aren't ready to have a creepy goofyass president," said Forbes, who only yesterday noticed that he was a creepy goofyass. Prior to that he'd thought he was a real cool guy and that, apparently, the American people just weren't ready to have a real cool guy as their president.

McCain Wins Delaware Vote Despite Not Giving A Fuck About Delaware Voters
Smartass tantrum-boy press-darling John McCain finished a strong second in the Delaware primary, yesterday, despite his admission that he really didn't "give a flying fuck about Delaware or its pathetic little 'primary' or its so-called 'people' who probably don't even exist, but if they do, can all just, you know, blow me."

McCain, however, later admitted that he was just kidding about the flying part. "I don't give any kind of fuck about Delaware," said McCain, "not just a flying fuck."

McCain also promised he would always tell the American people the truth, except when he's lying out his ass. And that when he is lying out his ass, he would be totally loyal and honorable and courageous about lying out his ass about it.

McCain, who claims the 5 years he spent in a North Viet Namese POW camp helped build his character, stated that "all Americans should be able to have a similar experience, and if I'm elected president, they will."

"Disgruntled" "Hackers" Take Credit for Massive DDoS Attacks
A small network of self-styled "disgruntled" hackers, calling itself the American Medical Association, today took credit for the recent series of distributed denial of service attacks which have shut down such immensely popular websites as, uhhhh, you know, uhhhhh, what's their name, and what's their name, and, just hours ago the very popular, uhh, what's their name.

In their communique, issued earlier today, the disgruntled hackers stated that they are launching these attacks because they are, like, all disgruntled over the web not living up to its immense promise of, like, click on Jennifer Lopez's ass, be immediately referred to Jennifer Lopez's proctologist.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
Leading websites embrace over having gotten away so long without anybody realizing that the difference between being a leading traffic-generating website and being the object of a self-initiated slo-mo distributed denial of service attack, is really not much. Not much at all.

Everything suddenly out of fashion; people left screaming, naked in drug-sick night

Missing 5th Horseman of Apocalypse found living quietly in London

Corporations embrace DoS attacks as worker productivity aid

8th and 9th Deadly Sins, Blackmail and Bribery, mysteriously dropped from Deadly Sins list centuries ago, mysteriously murdered reporter finds

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