Tuesday, February 11, 1997
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Scientologists Nominate Academy Wart Recipients

The Academy of Emotionless Pictures, Old Farts, and Scientologists met, early this morning, to announce its nominees for the prestigious 69th Annual Academy Warts.

The announcements were held at, like, 5:00 AM aboard the space shuttle Columbia, so that both announcers and attendees wouldn't know what they fuck they were saying or doing, or why.

The nominees' names were read off by Director, Artless Shiller, and last year's or two or three year's ago Academy Wart winner, Myrna Nepotismo.

The actual winners will be named at a bloated, over-hyped ceremony to be held March 24, out back, in Robert Redford's septic tank, at which time the Academy Wart will be affixed to one of the winner's buttocks, by means of a complex molecular biological process, painstakingly performed onstage over the course of several months -- while 20% of the human race, at home, snorts Doritos and watches in awe via frame-an-hour C-U-Seem-Me direct satellite hookups.

Applause was muted as the announcements were made, probably because the Academy members in attendance hadn't had their morning Ritalin yet.

Here are, like, the few nominees we could remember -- actually, we couldn't really remember the names of, like, any nominees, but we, like, remembered the categories, pretty much -- so here are the 69th Annual Academy Wart nomination categories we remembered from early this morning:

Best Actor named after either a low-flying, computer-guided missile, or a kind of vacation, or both:

Best Actor named after a Communist country run by a guy whose been around for, like, 40 years and has a big beard and smokes cigars:

Best Actress who's NOT Madonna or Courtney Love -- Anybody at all:

Best Actor with a mostly burned down cigarette hanging out the corner of his mouth, slumped over a piano keyboard, playing the Van Halen re-cover of the Aztec Camera cover of "Jump:"

Best Movie that sounds like it shoulda been on PBS:

The Joe Don Baker-Jim Guy Tucker Special Achievement in First Names Award:

Best Actress whose name sounds like she shoulda been on PBS:

Best Actor whose first name sounds like he shoulda been on PBS, but whose last name sounds like he's got, you know, some kinda drug thing going, or something:

Best Director whose name sounds like he's got sort of a sex thing going -- but when you look at it in print, it's not spelled like a sex thing, but like maybe he's the son of the chick who starred in "Psycho," or, at least, the brother of the chick who played Tra La La in "Last Exit to Brooklyn:"

Best Picture without a creepy pop star who sings all the time:

Best Picture NOT about a pornographer who loves drugs and hangs around the Supreme Court with Courtney Love:


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F