Wednesday, February 11, 1998
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Oops! Massive Nuclear Strike Sorta A Little Off

Washington, DC - (Feb 11) - The United State armed forces launched a massive all-out nuclear strike against Iraq, early this morning, but, according to sources at the Pentagon, due to a minor targeting error caused, obviously, by El Nino, the Year 2000 Bug, and the JonBenet Ramsey nanny trial, the nuclear missiles sorta failed to go where they were, you know, supposed to go.

"Ooops," Secretary of Defensiveness, William Cohen, told a Pent House Press conference, this morning, "Looks like most of the 90,000, 5-giga-ton nuclear warhead-tipped missiles we launched early this morning, sorta failed to go where they were, you know, supposed to go."

According to Cohen, rather than flying gracefully through the sky and then landing squarely on chemical and biological warfare factories in Bhagdad, Iraq, 70,000 of the nuclear warheads accidentally flew gracefully through the sky and landed, squarely, instead, on Ken Starr's Toyota Corolla, as it sped along the Santa Monica freeway, and on Monica Lewinsky's Honda Accord, as it sped up route 5 to Oxnard.

According to Cohen, the other 20,000 erroneously targeted missiles landed, apparently, in Linda Tripp's sunlit kitchen, as she prepared to fresh-squeeze some fresh-picked Florida oranges for breakfast.

Apparently, shards of glass from the explosion in Tripp's kitchen spread over a 2,000-mile radius, but only 3 people were fatally injured as a result. Apparently, according to the Nude York Times, Snewsweek and the far right-wing wacko Wall Street Journal, the three people, despite their names being withheld pending notification of next of kin, are Lucianne Goldberg, Moonie butt-boy Matt Drudge, and Monica Lewinsky's centrist-wacko mother who is, actually, the time-travelling clone of her own daughter.

According to far right-wing butt-boy, Fox News, billions of crank babies are, apparently, even now, lining the streets of major cities to either protest or celebrate this 1st annual public display of makeshift rescue efforts, now underway.

Meanwhile, the Senate went into emergency special session to debate whether it was Diane Zamora or Linda Tripp who ate its balls.

Netscape, Apple to Develop Joint Software

Sources at Apple Computer, today, confirmed that the company would begin working on a joint software development project with Netscape Communications of Santa Clarabell, California.

"Say you're sitting there holding a joint, and you don't know what to do with it," the spokesman said, sitting there holding a joint that he, obviously, didn't know what to do with.

"All you have to do is turn on your Mac, run our new Joint Software, answer a few simple questions, and Presto!, it tells you exactly what you can do with your joint, and which are the best options, and why. -- And, with 94% accuracy!

According to the spokesman, the software works with both lit and unlit joints, and at least two upgrades are planned, due in the 4th quarter of '98 and the 3rd quarter of '99, respectively, which will address the issues, of what, respectively, to do with roaches and bongs.

The two companies will also be working together on a suite of suicide-pact software products which will allow people and organizations in physically distant settings, to come together via modem, to commit a wide-range of mutually beneficial suicides in a casual and relaxed manner. Microsoft will apparently invest 100 billion dollars to support this effort, even though it doesn't really need to.

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