Friday, February 12, 1999
Amazon Dot Com Books Now TOTALLY FREE!!!!!!

Amazon, CA - (Feb 12) - Lying, cheating, stealing, corporate capitalist baby-killer, Amazon Dot Com, in order to feign atonement for accidentally having been caught being a lying, cheating, stealing, corporate capitalist baby-killer, announced today that, from now on, all its 3 billion or so books will all be absolutely totally FREE!!! to whoever wants them.

How can they do this?

Well, we asked Amazon Dot Com president Jeff Dot-Calm and here's what he said:

"How can we do this? How can we do this?" he said. "Well, we do this by putting flashing rotating neon advertising strips around the top bottom and sides of every page and cover of every book. These ads are of course so well synced with the material on the current page, that if you don't immediately buy one or more of the products they're selling then, clearly, you must not be reading very carefully or with any degree of comprehension whatsoever and should probably just give up and become a stock market analyst."

Online bookstore, Amazon Dot Com is famous for losing a couplea gazillion dollars a minute. But who's counting?

Clinton Not Guilty

Clinton, or somebody, was apparently just found totally not guilty today of being a pot-smoking draft-dodging Charles Manson free-love anti-war bell-bottom-wearing acid-dropping commie 60's pinko hippie.

He was apparently found not guilty on account of the Supreme Court couldn't find any tie-dyed shirts in his closet, and they couldn't even find any pot seeds when they vacuumed the Oval office carpet.

Following the verdict the president made a brief statement to the press in which he stated "even though I am definitely NOT a pot-smoking draft-dodging love-bead-wearing 60's commie hippie, I will definitely immediately stop being one anyway, and will definitely never be one again. Now I must get back to doing the work of the people, yah buncha shit-eating right-wing fuckballs."

Investor Balks At Lycos Deal

A so-called "investor" has apparently totally, you know "balked" at the so-called Lycos-USA deal announced in these pages just days ago.

"Yes," the so-called "investor" told reporters, "I have definitely, you know, 'balked' at the so-called Lycos-USA Networks deal."

The investor went on to say that he was balking at the deal because of, you know, "reasons."

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