Thursday, February 13, 1997
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NASA Walks, Hubbell Talks

Convicted Whitewater co-conspirator, or whatever, Webster Hubbell, today, walked halfway out of a federal halfway house to inform the National Aerobics and SpaceCase Administration to keep its fucking robot arm off his fucking telescope.

"Hey NASA," screamed Hubbell, standing half in and half out of the doorway, "Get your fucking robot arm off my fucking telescope!"

Hubbell was serving a 3 year sentence for being a Southern cracker asshole good-ole-boy with only one first name.

Fred Goldman, father of Nicole Brown Simpson murderer, Ron Goldman, told wrongfully-accused, has-been crappy actor, OJ Simpson, today, that, "If he just writes out a full confession, that he killed my son, I'm willing to ignore the entire $21,000,000 judgment against him."

In a statement to the press, all-star, all-American self-hypnosis champion and crappy aerobics instructor, OJ Simpson, responded, "I know Fred's been having a tough time trying to get a Visa Card for his kid and paying his restaurant bill, or something, so tell him to save his strength -- and I'll ignore the judgment for him.

Former Frank Sinatra bitch, Mia Farrow, told fame queen, Larry King, on the Obsequious Butt-Licking Larry King Show, that once-funny, former comic and now crappy director of upper-middle-class, faux-intelligentsia bullshit, Woody Allen, was responsible for the brutal murder of has-been, overweight, former child porno beauty queen, JonBenet Ramsay.

"Woody killed JonBenet," Mia told Larry, "As a way of asking forgiveness for murdering Ron and Nicole."

According to the has-been actress and compulsive mother, Allen's shrink, a dog named Sam, told him to commit the murders.

King was so shocked by the unexpected revelation, that he momentarily lost his fake Brooklyn accent and admitted he was just another loser WASP from the suburbs of Cincinnati.

Farrow also announced that she'd be marrying has-been actor, Robert Culp, just so her name could be Mia Culp.

Going Woody one better, has-been pop star and Nicole Brown Simpson murderer, Michael Jackson, is growing his own. Jackson's chauffeur, Lisa something-or-other, gave birth to an 8-pound baby boy, today, claiming that Jackson was, "you know, like, the, uhh, father, an all. Or whatever."

Jackson's barber, Connie Chung, is scheduled to give birth to his second son later this week, and in March, his mailman, Debbie somebody-or-other, and his plumber, what's her name, are scheduled to give birth to his 3rd and 4th sons respectively.

Elizabeth Taylor's brain tumor, the godfather of all 4 babies, was unavailable for comment.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F