Friday, February 13, 1998
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Monica Lewinsky Saves Christmas

NY, NY - (Feb 13) - According to El Nino, the New York Times has just eaten Dodi al-Fayed's balls.

The news was revealed early this morning at an impromptu press conference held outside the place where Winter Olympics snowboarders go to get stoned on their ass, by El Nino spokesperson, Monica Lewinsky, who stated that she first heard the story on the Howard Stern show, and was immediately inspired by it to go start the Monica Lewinsky Foundation For People Who Want to Start a Foundation But Can't Come Up With A Name, Let Alone A Fucking Reason.

Meanwhile, or by definition, in a simultaneous press conference held outside the place where Winter Olympians go to get shit-faced after they've successfully dropped acid for 3 days straight and still haven't won a crappy gold medal, a spokesperson for the Monica Lewinsky Foundation announced that Monica Lewinsky Foundation founder and president, Monica Lewinsky, would be leaving today for Moscow and Bhagdad in order to save the world and prevent either World War 5 or World War 6, whichever comes next (apparently, according to the spokesperson, Monica had a cold and was absent from school the day they studied the world wars, so she isn't sure which one comes next, but who's counting?).

According to the spokesperson, whose identity was withheld, pending notification of next of kin, "We're about to have a war simply because Saddam Hussein won't let UN inspectors into his private presidential palaces. Well, see, Monica has this knack. -- She walks into a room and immediately whatever president is present starts begging her to please please thoroughly inspect his, you know, 'private presidential palace.' If you know what I mean."

Lewinsky claimed she would visit Saddam Hussein in his "oval office, if you know what I mean," as many as 37 times if need be, in order to prevent World War 5 or 6, and that she'd do the same for Boris Yeltsin, if you know what I mean.

"And if that doesn't work, if you know what I mean" Lewinsky said, "I'll just say, 'Hey, Boris, hey Saddam, let's get stoned on our asses and go win Olympic gold medals for snowboarding, if you know what I mean.'"

When reached for comment, the Olympics steering committee continued to maintain its position of denying any knowledge of their whole fucking operation really being about just rounding up a bunch of extreme obsessive-compulsives, and finding some goofy way to convert their wacko disease into cold hard cash, and then fleeing the country before anybody gets wise.

Lewinsky is former style editor of the trade journal, " The New York Times or the Wall Street Journal Ate My Balls, But Who's Counting?"

She is also author of the bestselling book, Newsweek Ate My Balls, director of the Tony-award-winning play, US News and World Report Ate My Balls, and sings backup vocals for the hit group, Matt Drudge Tried to Eat My Balls But The Screws Popped Out of His Lower Jaw and It Fell Off, So He Couldn't."

Her upcoming motion picture, "Princess Di Ate My Balls and Elton John Wrote a Sadistic Song About It While Paul Simon Watched," is due in April from the Year 2000 Bug or Intel's Talking Bodypart division.

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1998 by C3F