Friday, February 14, 1997
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Air Talks

When we first heard that pilots for some company called "American Air Lines" were gonna go out on strike, we figured that flying Air Planes must be sort of like playing Air Guitar, and so flying on Air Lines must be about, like, snorting lines of Air coke, or something -- in other words, like, who gives a flying fuck? Certainly not drug dealers and drug paraphernalia manufacturers. And certainly not the Air. So who's left?

Fortunately, just before we went public with this whole stinking expose, somebody, like, accidentally went out and got a newspaper, which sort of pointed out a few fundamental mistakes we were making in our analysis. As a result, we never ran that story, but, instead, are telling you about it now, so all the hard work we put into it doesn't go totally to waste.

But having fucked-up so badly, then, we worked extra hard to try to scoop the fuck out of everybody else.

We even got has-been former most trusted man alive Walter Cronkite, to stop spitting in peoples' food long enough to go find out what the fuck was going on with this strike thing.

Uhh, but, like, unfortunately, everything he sent back to us, even after we painstakingly scraped off all the logies and lasagna, was, like, total incomprehensible gibberish, so, in the end, we had to rely on, you know, that same mental faculty which allows one to review books without ever reading them and to critique films without even seeing the trailer or knowing who the actors are.

In other words, an informed source deep in the Airline Industry and/or the pilot industry or whichever, has just provided us with the following list of final demands being made by the Air Pilots Union, without agreement to which, American Airlines will be forced to confront the horrific spectre of tens of thousands of stranded assholes getting shit-faced and raising hell in airport bars all over the world:

We the Pilots Union, like, demand the fucking following:

1. The right and the weaponry to shoot back at military aircraft whenever they routinely use us for mock target practise and to see how close they can fly by without scratching the paintjob.

2. An end to harassment of pilots who simply prefer to fly, like, on acid or whatever, or under, like, peyote or other appropriate hallucinogens.

3. Marijuana smoke piped directly into the cockpit, so pilots don't have to keep taking their hands off the wheel to put the joint in their mouth and take it out. This will greatly increase passenger safety and lower the crash rate by 10 or 20%.

4. Immediate publication of the following secret JonBenet Autopsy report:

We the Coroners Office of like, I don't know, Denver or wherever Colorado, do hereby swear or whatever that the following things or conditions pertained to, like, the body of deceased has-been overweight former child-porn beauty queen, JonBenet Ramsey

1. The subject was strangled with laces from a pair of size 12 Bruno Magli shoes.

2. A bloody Rockingham Glove was stuffed in her mouth.

3. A picture of Kato the dog, had been hastily tattooed on her left buttock, only moments before death.

4. A crumpled up, partly digested piece of paper was found in her stomach with the following writing on it, and signed in the victim's hand:

To whom it may concern: I, like, former 6 year old ex-porno has-been child-star beauty-pageant overweight fame queen or whatever, do hereby solemnly swear that in the event I am found dead with this note crumpled and partly digested in my stomach, I just want you to know that my death is in no way the result of my parents, abusing, molesting, fucking and finally killing me out of simply boredom. Not at all. It was probably Colombian drug dealers looking to give Faye Resnick a Bolivian necktie or something."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F