Wednesday, February 18, 1998
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Researchers Reveal Revised Big Bong Theory

Outer, SP - (Feb 18) - The same jury that won the Nobel Peace Prize for literature for discovering the Big Bong Theory has just, apparently, made an exciting new discovery.

"If you get totally shit-faced on wine or acid everyday," the jury foreman told a gaggling crowd of reporters, "And totally ignore everything, and forget about everything else -- then, according to our new discovery, you'll live forever and never get sick or do anything stupid."

According to the spokesforeman, this conclusion was reached following an intensive 10-year study of 35,000 people world-wide who have, in fact, carefully followed this regimen and, in fact, lived forever, and never been sick or done anything stupid.

Unfortunately, according to the study, "forever" is only, like, 10 years -- and so anybody who thinks they're older than 9 years old, and that there was a whole history of the world before they even existed, is just totally wrong and up their asses and have obviously been living a total fucking lie, and just might as well stop right here, destroy the universe, and start over.

Centrist Baby-Killers Confess to Mass Murders

A group of wacko centrist baby-killers confessed, today, to conspiracy to promulgate the big wacko centrist lie that everything is NOT utterly fucking stupid, and that every utterance is NOT an utter fucking lie. Intentional or not.

"I hereby confess," said wacko centrist baby-killer #1, to a packed hall of reporters, "To conspiring to promulgate the wacko centrist lie that everything is NOT an utter fucking load of shit."

He then went on to name all the people who, by dint of having any power whatsoever, real or imagined, are front-line co-conspirators in the big wacko-centrist baby-killer lie that everything is NOT an utter fucking bogus load of shit, if you know what I mean.

Earth's Galaxy in Head-On Collision

According to astronomers, of all people, the so-called Sagittarius dwarf spheroid galaxy is just about to smash head-on, into our own tragic galaxy, the Milky Way or Peter Paul Almond Joy Galaxy.

"Sagittarius is about to smash the fuck into our own tragic galaxy," said Professor Kamet Babo, an astronomer at the Institute for the Study of Bee-Snake Fights, in Helmet-Dentyne Switzerland.

"Ultimately, when there is a massive cosmic collision like this," the Professor told a crowd of rabid reporters, "The whole population of a tiny speck like the world will most likely be compressed into a single tiny, emotionally potent symbol which will proceed to wander the new galaxy and other galaxies forever, looking for an angry receptor site in some dark-matter space, where maybe it can lock in and let life become flavor-of-the-month again."

Apparently, according to the Professor, when the galaxies collide and life is abruptly compressed into an icon like this, there will still be several billion souls leftover, waiting for re-incarnation, but with no place to go.

"If these reincarnates are not serviced," the Professor warned, "They may fuck up the very fabric of the universe, which may just, in turn, keep it for all time, from ever being admitted into, you know, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame."

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