Friday, February 19, 1999
Christian Coalition Will Switch to Satan

Wash, DC - (Feb 19) - Demoralized by the continued victories of the Devil's illegitimate offspring, Clinton, Christian Coalition president Randy Tate announced today that his organization would, in the next few months, "begin totally transitioning over to Satan."

"We are tired of losing out day after day to the spawn of Lucifer," Tate told reporters, "and have therefore decided to abide by the teachings of Jesus where he says in, like, Luke 2:37, or wherever, that 'if ye can't beat em, join em.' So we are immediately dumping Jesus and will be completely switched over to totally Satan by the fourth quarter of this year."

Despite the transition to Satan, the organziation will continue to keep the name "Christian Coalition" since, as Tate stated, "We already have too much invested in, like, stationery and branded give-away merchandise like Christian Coalition keychains, pens, pocket calendars, and wireless camcorder bugging devices."

Tate also told the press that the Christian Coalition will soon be introducing the practise of mandatory pot smoking at all meetings and that members will now be strongly counselled to take acid on the job at least once a week and to tune in, turn on, and drop out and wear tie-dyed tee-shirts and bell bottoms and drive around in VW buses saying, like, "Oh wow, peace and love and free Huey."

"And if there's ever a draft again," said Tate, "you can bet the Christian Coalition's gonna dodge the living fuck out of it. Man."

Falwell Will Switch to Minelli

Sanctimonious, right-wing TV preacher or whatever, Jerry Falwell, announced today that he will switch from being, like, this hard driving, bitch-loving, manly man to being like some kinda pocketbook-carrying, purple triangle-wearing gay homosexual kinda guy.

"Us manly men are sick and tired of losing out day after day to the left-wing gay-lesbian-marxist-abortionist conspiracy," Falwell told reporters, "so I have decided to hereby follow the teachings of Jesus when he says, in Mark 2:37 or wherever, 'It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether you win.'"

In order to be fully transitioned to being, like, totally gay by the fourth quarter, Falwell has already apparently put his entire Ozzy Osbourne collection up for sale to make room for a new stereo system playing nothing but non-stop Liza Minelli and a VCR-TV combo showing nothing but non-stop Judy Garland flicks with, OK, maybe an occasional Bette Midler thrown in every couplea weeks, for variety.

Reverend Moon Will Switch to Sun

Fucking ultra right-wing dickhead, the Reverend Moon, announced today that he will switch from his religion of Moonieism, which worships himself, the Reverend Moon, to the religion of Pagan Sun Worship, which apparently worships the Sun, which is apparently a big yellow thing in the sky.

"I am sick of seeing the Sun winning out day after day over my namesake, the Moon," said Moon, "so I have decided to follow the teachings of myself, the great Reverend Moon, when he says, in the 23rd psalm, 'Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?'"

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1999 by HC