Boston, MA - ( Feb 20) - In a speech in probably, like, Boston's Faneuil Hall or someplace like that, yesterday, President Clinton announced the creation of a whole slew of new phone numbers the American people could now call instead of 911, in the event of a whole slew of new precisely defined categories of emergencies.

Since the President's Boston speech was on the subject of juvenile justice, a lot of the people who showed up in the audience, thought it was OK to, you know, act all juvenile, and there were, like, lotsa farting sounds and giggling and people throwing things and playfully punching each other in the arm and calling each other you fucking dickhead an all.

Despite all this, and despite occasional flurries of 100s of simultaneous pencils being dropped at precisely pre-arranged moments, the President kept his composure and explained how he was just sick and tired of calling the same old 911 number every time Hillary hit him in the face with an ashtray or threw a lamp at him, so he was announcing the following new phone numbers which people could call if they were reporting the following kinds of emergencies:

111 -- OJ Simpson just kicked in my screen door.

211 -- Faye Resnick just kicked in my screen door.

311 -- An asteroid/volcano/typhoon/alien spaceship/StarWars doll just landed in my backyard.

411 -- (reserved for registering as a foreign spy with the CIA)

511 -- My Intelligent Agent's a fucking moron.

611 -- Geraldo just kicked in my screen door.

711 -- I've just run out of medical marijuana and I'm too stoned to go out and get more.

811 -- Hey, I'm only getting, like, a 1 fucking percent speed increase from my fucking new US$5000 Pentium MMX box.

911 -- (unavailable -- already has a TV show.)

1011 -- direct line to the President: Tarot readings, psychic predictions, spiritual relief.

1111 -- direct line to Pat Boone: Whatever.

1211 -- A celebrity just projected some bodily substance or whatever, in the direction of a foodstuff I was about to fucking ingest, or whatever.

1311 -- Hey, the new Pavement album sucks.

1411 -- Madonna's baby just kicked in my screen door.

The President ended his speech by reminding the audience that the proceeds from the TV shows spun off from these phone numbers, would go either directly to his legal defense fund, or directly to pay for more Democratic red herrings to throw back at Republican red herrings thrown back at Democratic red herrings thrown back at Republican red herrings thrown because of Democratic red herrings, and so on, in lieu of, like, the least fucking hint of a fucking idea -- about anything at all.