Friday, February 20, 1998
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MTV Just Disappears!!

NY,NY - (Feb 20) - CNN has just learned that MTV has, apparently, just disappeared!!

"MTV has, apparently, just disappeared or something," a spokesman for a spokesman for a spokesman for CNN who apparently either declined to be identified or was unavailable for comment, said.

According to either the spokesman for the spokesman, or the spokesman his- or her-self, or both, "If MTV has, in fact, disappeared, it has most likely done so because the people who work at MTV have watched too much MTV."

"By watching too much MTV," the spokesman said, "The people who work at MTV have obviously had their attention spans shrunk more and more, day by day, until finally, one day, it all reached critical mass, and even though they started to press the button to cut to the next shot, somehow they had to move too quickly on to the next big new big wonderful new thing and so the finger never finished coming all the way down and the cut never happened, and likewise for the next finger and the next button and the next cut and the next shot, and so on, till, of course, the fucking station just broke into mist and EVAPORATED!!"

Apple and Netscape Buy MTV

According to an article in the upcoming issue of LewinskyWeek, (formerly Newsweek), Apple and Netscape will jointly purchase the ethereal remains of MTV, which they'll use as a Trojan Horse or White Knight or Poison Pill or Bolivian Necktie in a takeover bid so they can take Microsoft and Intel with them over the same cliff to oblivion they'll be falling over early this summer.

AOL Finally Shuts Down For Good

AOL shut down for good yesterday, only partially in solidarity with the evaporation of MTV. When reached for comment as to the rest of the reason why the immensely successful online service was just cutting and running, former CEO, Steve Case just shrugged and said, "The world does not exist, but the reason it appears to be all so complex is the mind is lazy and doesn't want something it can fathom. So, I mean, like, why fucking bother?"

Which is pretty much what Sun and Microsoft and Intel and HP and Compaq all said when their respective CEOs all announced, today, that they too were all shutting down for good -- in solidarity with the growing resistance to an increasingly petty, increasingly violence-blowjob-obsessed, so-called, you know, human-corporate-shitbag culture, composed of themselves and their slimy conspecifics, everybody else.

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