Monday, February 22, 1999
New Processor Does, Uhhhh, Something

Intel City, NV - (Feb 22) - A new processor that does, uhhhh, something, was announced today by the Intel corporation of someplace in California or Utah or someplace. The new processor will run at some speed and will open the door to new applications like uhhh, some application or other that never worked before and won't work now and no amount of processing power will ever salvage, but who's counting.

Shakespeare Totally Bogus

Julius Shakesberg, of Avon Connecticut, confessed today, to writing all of Shakespeare's plays except Titus Andronicus. He admitted using specially-aged paper and signing the manuscripts with the bogus name "William Shakespeare" which he made up by subtly modifying his own name, "Shakesberg."

Shakesberg, an 87-year old retired steam blaster, whose handwriting exactly matches 36 of the 37 known so-called "Shakespeare plays" and who apparently wrote them all when he was 18, as a joke, said that he never expected to create such a fuss with his dumb little plays and had refrained from taking credit till now to avoid paparazzi and stalkers and also going to jail for fraud.

Potheads and Alcoholics Form New 3rd Party

A new 3rd Party was formed, today, by a buncha people in a big room voting yes in unison out loud to the question hey do you wanna start a party?

The new 3rd party is the 3rd or 4th new 3rd party to be formed this year, and will be known as the Potheads and Alcoholics Party on account of it is apparently a coalition of potheads and alcoholics whose purpose is to lobby Congress for the mutual concerns of potheads and alcoholics. Mutual concerns like, you know, being able to wander around free in a drunken stupor, or in a stoned out stupor, or in a drunken stoned out stupor, or in a drunken stoned out state of bliss (whichever) without fear of police coming up an saying, hey, lemme see some I. D., yuh lowlife fuck.

Jane Doe #5 Now Republican Frontrunner

In a shocking new CNN-Wall Street Journal Poll of registered voters taken just this morning, Jane Doe #5 appears to now lead one-time Republican presidential front-runner Governor George W. "Goofy" Bush of Texas by 8 per centage points, with John McCain and Liddy Dole trailing both by more than 20 points following Dole's admission, yesterday, that she once....

"After all the trauma of impeachment," an analyst theorized, "I think what the people want for a President now is just someone whose last name just sounds, you know, really coooool."

If she wins in November of 2000, Doe #5 would be the first President in US History ever elected under an assumed name with a number in it.

She would also be the only President whose response to being arrested for driving with her eyes closed was, "Yeah, but everything's just a Trojan Horse for everything else, which, itself, is, in turn, just a Trojan Horse for more Trojan Horses -- and so on, recursively. So, like, why fucking bother?"

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC