Monday, February 23, 1998
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Emotion By The Ocean

NY,NY - (Feb 23) - Monica Lewinsky told the UN Circuitous Council today that Wolf Blitzer.

She addressed a shocked and stunned audience of either has-been wannabes or wannabe has-beens. I forget which.

"CNN has just learned that the world does not exist," Lewinsky told Circuitous Council members, once they'd recovered from the initial shock of learning that Wolf Blitzer.

"Since the world does not exist," she went on, "I am, today, announcing the formation of the Monica Lewinsky Foundation for Changing the Name of the USA Network to the All-Beaver Network, and I Don't Mean Leave It To."

Before she could say more, however, anxious reporters rushed from the room to report the news to a non-existing world of people who, by definition, didn't exist either.

"Money is not really, or at all, [the fuck] about money." she told the remaining members, after a 10-minute recess. "It's just the best measure of the absence of anything real. When it reaches a certain level, the world ceases to exist -- retroactively for all time, so it never existed at all."

However, sources close to rebel girl-girl figure skating pairs whose study of nasal dominance cycles was published last month in the New England Journal of Medicine Cabinet Cleanup Strategies, claim that .... No, they don't really claim anything.

See, they had started this management consulting firm for high-powered execs who hadn't quite been able to go that extra mile or inch or whatever. Their motto was, "You already know how to bullshit everybody else -- all you need now is to learn how to bullshit yourself."

They claimed they could teach people how to bullshit themselves into happiness and success. Bullshit was like a rocket engine. It could take you to the stars.

Later, however, during the Q and A session, Monica admitted that, though winning the Olympic gold medal for clowning around at autopsies had been a thrill, she was still a little let down, because, really, she'd much rather have won the gold medal for synthesizing religion, psychology, and information processing with a stream of bogus new "technologies" that nobody wants, into an all-new religion of the future, that everybody wants.

Then Lewinsky ended her Circuitous Council semen-splattered address by threatening to bomb the living fuck out of the US if they didn't immediately get rid of all their own weapons of mass destruction -- you know: advertising and stupidity.

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