Monday, February 24, 1997
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The Foxification of the Unconscious

Raleigh, NC - (Feb 24) - The heads of all major US cable channels met, early this morning, with the heads of the 3, 4, 5, 6, or however many US broadcast networks, in order to hammer out future policies and programming that would be both, like, mutually beneficial, and, like, optimizing of the cognitive potential of the American viewing public, or whatever.

"It looks like it's gonna be a pretty slow news year," said J. Warner Turner, President of Turner-Warner-Time, Inc., the world's largest distributor of cable kiddie snuff porn variety programming, "And since we have a long standing policy of zero-tolerance for imagination, and a creative workforce that's scared shitless to reveal the slightest secret or make the tiniest Freudian slip of honesty, we've had to work extra-hard to come up with this year's joint cable and network programming lineup."

Turner then called Turner-Warner Vice President in charge of programming, Tina Warner-Turner, to the podium to further describe their joint decision-making process.

"You know," she said, "Having pretty much used up Greek mythology, Geek mythology, comic book heroes, old TV shows, and infantile sex fantasies, it's pretty hard coming up with new kinds of programming to satisfy the diverse cravings of the motherfucking American viewing public. But we did! And we did it without drugs!"

Warner-Turner described the scene in the room as "essentially 75 hi-powered, overweight, over-caffeinated CEO's in 'I'm with stupid' tee-shirts, all standing in a half-circle, pointing to a shit-eating-grinning Rupert Murdoch, whose programming, they had all just realized, in some kind of synchronicitous epiphany, was the only programming they'd really wanna have, if they really wanted to keep their pissed-off shareholders and boards of directors from replacing their asses with, like, ex-Simpson murder trial alternates and Jenny Jones Show refugees."

Then she brought up Dan Rather, who, in between spitting out chunks of other peoples' food, stumbled through a reading of the following partial list of new shows which would all begin immediately, and would rapidly spin off more specialized versions of themselves, over time.


When 6-Year-Old Beauty Queens Attack
America's Most Fucked-Up Parents
America's Most Hilarious Child Custody Car Chase Smash-Ups


When Mike Wallace Attacks Small-Time, Petty Criminal Slimeballs
When Andy Rooney Attacks, Like, The Color Of Paper Or Something


When Lingerie Attacks
America's Dumbest Whores


America's Most Sanctimonious Animals
When Animals Act Like Utter Fucking Assholes
World's Scariest Animal Genitalia
When Animals Try To Run Their Own Cable Networks


America's Scariest Brain Vapors
When Online Content Provider Obituaries Attack
America's Scariest Operating Systems and Platforms


America's Creepiest CEOs
America's Dumbest CEOs
America's Dumbest, Creepiest CEOs
When Dumb, Creepy CEOs Attack!


When Simpson Trial Jurors Don't Write Books
When Lawyers Don't Attack


America's Goofiest Independent Counsels
When Representatives Attack Anything At All Just To Fucking Get Some Votes
America's Most Pedestrian Minds


America's Smarmiest Non-Stop String of Promos
When Malls Collide!


America's Scariest Product Placement Situations
When Supposedly Dead Pop Stars Suddenly Show Up Saying It's All Just Been A Joke
When Pop Star Pseudo-Divas Make Shitty Movies And Try To Buy Academy Awards With Tons of Money and Blowjobs And Then Still Don't Get It


When Alcoholics Attack
When Mass Murderers Just Sit Around
America's Coolest Places To Vomit
America's Slimiest Communications Conglomerate CEOs


America's Stupidest Intelligent Agents
America's Most Eviscerated Magazines Of Digital Culture
America's Most Overexposed Ex-Grateful Dead Lyricists
America's Scariest Junk Emailers


America's Most Cloyingly Insipid Documentary Filmmakers
When Academics Attack
America's Stupidest Intellectuals
America's Scariest Sanctimonious Spiritual/Motivational Speakers


America's Most Grotesquely Overrated "Independent" Filmmakers

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