Wednesday, February 24, 1999
Grammys Honor Year's Crappiest Music

Los Angas, NV - (Feb 24) - Once upon a time there was all this really really crappy shitty pop music around but nobody was giving it any awards or nothin', so one day somebody who'd just had a gram a coke or a gram a hash decided to invent the Grammy awards to honor music so crappy that you hadda be on at least a gram a something to even be able to think about inventing an award for it, let alone to even be able to actually listen to it.

Since then, many crappy shitty pieces of music have won Grammy Awards and tonight is no exception.

Here are the winners:

Best Song:

Hey, Hey, I'm the Monkees -- Madonna

Best Single:

Hey Hey, We're the Monkees -- Shania Twain.

Best Pop Song by Someone Named Crow:

Hey Hey, I'm the Monkees, Too -- Sheryl Crow

Best Musical Song By Someone NOT Named Crow:

Hey Hey, I'm NOT the Monkees! -- Celine Dion

Best Musical Pop Song By Someone NOT Named Twain or Crow or Dion:

Hey Hey, We're the Spice Girls -- the Backstreet Boys

Best Non-Female Group Named the Backstreet Something:

tie: The Backstreet Boys; The Backstreet Plumbing and Electrical Supply Company Building At the Corner of Market and Broadway

After the ceremony, Twain and Crow and Madonna and Dion held a press conference together where, in unison, they told the press how heartwarming and moving it was for them to win all these prestigious and lovely Grammy awards and "how this only goes to prove what a great country this is and what a great industry this is where a slimy careerist bitch can so powerfully move the soul of man by simply corrupting music."

Stock Market Apparently "Just A Buncha Numbers"

Stock Market employee, Hollis Mosher III, the guy who sits in the back room and puts out all those numbers you see on streaming stock tickers at the bottom of your screen or up on the so-called "big board," admitted today, that he's "uhh, basically, yuh know, just kinda wingin' it."

"See," said Mosher, "the guy who had the job before I took it over 6 years ago, was kinda 'old school' and used a random number generator to come up with the numbers. But I, being, like, totally 'new school' an' all, go by the ideology that stock market numbers are much cooler when they come straight outta the old human wazoo -- if you know what I mean."

So there wouldn't be any question of whether he obviously didn't know what the fuck he was talking about or not, Mosher quickly demonstrated his ability to come up with random numbers straight outta the old human wazoo, if you know what I mean.

"123.9," he said. And then, without missing a beat, he rambled off 3 more, "76.54, 22.2, and 300.7 -- and I can go on and on like this for hours," he said. But the audience was convinced.

Mosher admitted, however, that despite his mastery of this ancient technique of making up numbers "on his feet," which he'd learned at the Wharton School of Business, he still didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, and that he couldn't even spell Capitalism, let alone condone it.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC