Tuesday, February 25, 1997
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Drug Czar 4 U

Washington, DC - (Feb 25) - Pointing to yesterday's fire aboard the Mir Space Station as an example of why we must uh, crack down on drugs, President Clinton, this morning, stood in front of a bunch of people in the Green or Blue or White Room of the White House, to announce his all new, revised, improved, enhanced MMX version 7.5 White House drug strategy policy thing.

"As everyone knows by now," the President began, "Yesterday's fire aboard Mir started while astronauts Vasily Tsibliyev, Reinhold Ewald, and Jerry Linengar were toking away on the space station bong. A small seed exploded, jumped out of the bowl, landed in their stash, and ignited a tiny blaze which could have endangered not only the lives of the crew, but also mankind's entire future in, uhhh, outer space.

"Now, I say that, just as an example of the kinds of things we're up against here. And that's why I'd like to announce, first of all, that I've asked Robert Downey Jr. to personally take charge of this situation and to personally go around and examine everybodys' stash, to make sure they're all completely free of any seeds whatsoever. Especially if these people are planning to be, like, on a space station any time soon.

"Second, I'm placing before Congress, a constitutional amendment making it a death-penalty offense to knowingly sell dope with even a single seed in it."

After stopping briefly to clear his throat a few times and make some nasal snorting sounds, the President went on to outline a whole series of new drug initiatives modeled on the highly successful "Midnight Basketball" program.

"First," said the President, "Since we've had such important success with Midnight Basketball, we are extending the concept into the whole new dimension of drugs, with a brand new, but related, program called Midnight Marijuana."

During the wild applause that followed, the President appeared momentarily lost, staring into the complex patterns formed by the natural imperfections in the wood surface of the podium -- but immediately snapped out of it, once the applause died down, and, after making a few more hocking and snorting sounds, went on to list off the other, similar, programs, which included: AM Acid, PM Peyote, Afternoon Angel Dust, Smack Sunday, Psilocybin Saturday, DMT December, Owsley October, and Fried February.

"But all our government programs," the President continued, his voice slowing, and almost saddening a bit, "Can never fully solve this deeply personal problem. The only real solution, lies at home, in each individual family. And that's why, I am, today, appointing actress, singer, mother, Courtney Love, to go door to door and help teach every American family exactly how to abide by the following new family drug guidelines."

The President then called Courtney and Kurt's baby to the podium to outline his family drug guidelines.

"If your kid wants to try acid," said the baby, "Like, let her try some hydrochloric acid. If she wants some pot, stick her head in a chamber pot. If she wants to try speed, strap her to the driver's seat of your Jag on a long, straight, generally traffic-free road, tie the accelerator down, and let her go. If she wants some crack, smash your fist against the plaster and say, 'Snort This!'"

After Courtney and Kurt's baby was lead off the podium by Madonna's baby and the astral spirit of JonBenet Ramsey, Clinton returned, and, to end the press conference, invited the assembled reporters and dignitaries to join him in attempting to hum the guitar break from the original Byrds' version of Eight Miles High (not the Husker Du cover).

Drug Czar, and former REO Speedwagon lead singer, John Cafferty, or whatever, was too hungover to show up, and, instead, sent his stunt double to apologize.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F