Wednesday, February 26, 1997
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Rupert in the Sky with Sli-i-i-ime

Cindy, Australia - (Feb 26) - Australian strongman, Rupert Murdoch's recent 50% share purchase of Direct Satellite Broadcaster, EchoStar, is seen by many analysts as simply a way for Murdoch to acquire lots of off-planet storage lockers in which to stash the brains he removes from the 500 clones of himself he's recently commissioned from, you know, the Scottish guys who cloned the sheep that's named after its striking resemblance to Carol Channing.

However, inside sources close to Murdoch's mitochondria, indicate that Der Rupert really just wants the company so he can use its celestial resources to star in an upcoming Fox special, "The World's Most Spectacularly Hilarious Satellite Smash-Ups."

Greenspan Spits in Walter Cronkite's Food; Market Crashes -- The Stock Market dropped 6999 points early this morning on news that Fed Chairman Allan Greenspan had been arrested for spitting in Walter Cronkite's food. Brokers, analysts and investors immediately committed suicide after first making a brief stop in Scotland to have themselves cloned.

The few analysts currently still alive are currently busy analyzing and spinning Greenspan's statement that, "It's payback time," which he uttered just moments before spitting in Cronkite's McDonald's "Hide-the Salami" Sandwich.

While most analysts believe this was really just a thinly veiled comment about the near-future course of the US stock market, some are convinced it was really just a thinly veiled reference to the vengeance he was about to wreak in the names of all those people who'd had their food spit into by Cronkite, "just because he felt like it."

Congress Delays Vote -- Congress, today, put off voting on the Ballast Budget Amendment and Champagne Finance Reform until after first going to lunch and stuffing their fucking gorges with pasta and getting royally shit-faced on bubbly.

Clinton To Win Grammy -- Sources close to the Grammy Awards Selection Committee have leaked the information that first lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton, will win a grammy this evening in the category of "Best Clandestine Recording of Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand Trying to Share the Lincoln Bedroom and Assure Each Other That, Just Like OJ, They Really Do Love Absolutely Everybody."

Celebs Brains Sucked Out and Cloned While Asleep In Lincoln Bedroom -- Documents released yesterday by the White House reveal that several major celebrities unknowingly had their brains sucked out while they slept in the Lincoln Bedroom.

The brains were then sent to Scotland, cloned, and returned quickly enough to be sloppily re-inserted in the celebrities' skulls just moments before they awoke, none the worse for wear.

The Democratic National Committee has stated that, in those cases where the brains did not arrive back in time to be re-inserted, the committee would now promptly return them to their original owners -- even though none of the celebrities involved, especially Charles Grodin, seems to have even noticed the difference.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F