Washington, DC - (Feb 27) - According to CNN, the so-called "White House," apparently tried, early yesterday, to have Ken Starr's grand jury penis, or something, so-called "squashed."

According to CNN's source, Ken Starr apparently has 2 penii -- a superior court uber-penis and a grand jury sub-penis, and it was the sub-penis that the so-called "White House" tried to have squashed.

"So what's the big deal," said a so-called "spokesman," for the so-called "White House," "We were only trying to squash his sub-penis, not his uber-penis."

And apparently, according to a close personal friend of the person who empties the wastebasket at the so-called "New York Times," Ken Starr must have many many sub-penii, as he has, apparently, given one to almost everybody.

Though, of course, ironically, according to Readers' Digest, or whoever, he has given his sub-penis to everybody, except, apparently, you know, the one person with a solid track record of treating penii with love and respect, and not trying to viciously squash them at all.

(But, apparently, according to a source at Newsweek or wherever, what Monica Lewinsky really wants is a munity, not a sub-penis -- and not the kind of a munity that OJ Simson got, either. "My client," howled her lawyer, Allen Ginsberg, "Does not want a munity like the kind OJ Simson got, either. My client will not accept just Juice-A-Munity.")

Free Speech Rocks!

In a double victory for so-called "free" speech, yesterday, multi-billionaire alleged so-called "talk show host", Oprah Winfrey, won the right to say how much she doesn't like eating diseased hamburger, and US Senate Republicans won the right to show, over and over and over and over again, just how much they looooooove sucking diseased corporate dick and licking out diseased corporate anus.

Senate majority "leader" Trent Lott, best summed up his "colleague's" sentiments over this great great victory for the first amendment, when he said, "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I just looooooove the taste and touch and feel of that big fat corporate dick-- diseased or not. And I especially loooooooove the taste of that sweet sweet corporate anus. Gimme more. I just can't get enough."