Friday, February 28, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Market Crash Triggers California Quake

NY,NY/LA,CA - ( Feb 28) - A 3000 point or nearly 45% or so loss in the Dow Jones Industrial Averages Index thing or whatever today, is believed to be directly responsible for a 7.9 on the Richter scale or so level type earthquake early today with an epicenter more or less in the Beverly Hills 90210 or whatever zip code, entirely wiping out Los Angeles and causing tons of ancillary rubber-necking deaths, as people in Santa Barbara and San Diego turned suddenly to watch the whole town fall into a hole.

The Market crash was apparently caused by Microsoft's announcement that it was cancelling the popular cult web serial, "Johnny Sitar," which is about an ascetic Sitar player who returns to the Old West where he learns to kill and roll cigarettes with one hand, and, when he's not on horseback, is usually fleeing from some petty crime, trying to outrun the police in either a Dodge Bullet or an Alzheimers GT -- eventually smashing head-on into a wall or sailing off an overpass, yet still getting up and walking away, though always caught in the end while, like, trying to buy a pack of cigarettes, or something, and put away in prison for life -- but then back again next week to do it all over again cause he's, like, the hero of the show, as it were.

The cancellation of the show, despite its cult following, is apparently being blamed on a dispute at the higher echelons of Microsoft's Creative division, Oxymoron.

Apparently, one faction at Oxymoron was violently opposed to the new ad campaign which featured Martha Stewart Photo-shopped into some old Jim Jones footage and animated so the two of them do a sort of Fred Astaire-Ginger Rogers thing, lip-synching the ad slogan, "Your Mother's a Whore. Drink Coke." or mouthing the telephone answering message: "Disney Hospital. Who would you like for your neuro-surgeon? Goofy? or Mickey Mouse?"

Or maybe it's the ad where they're made to look like Pat Sajac or whoever and Vanna White on a Harley in the middle of freeway traffic doing Wheelies of Fortune off the divider strip, or whatever.

And apparently this whole thing at Microsoft was really over the irony of how socialist economies, using just-in-time inventory control, could now move in and out of world markets at will, while capitalist economies, no matter what they did, were inextricably wedded to the fucking ups and fucking downs of the fucking market.

So like, apparently, one faction at Microsoft wanted to do a daily web soap-opera sitcom based on this premise, while the other faction wanted to do a show on, like, how if you gave a man a fish, then he'd only live for one day, but if you gave him a hemp seed, then he'd have to wait at least a few months before he could hang himself.

And then a 3rd faction just wanted to replace Johnny Sitar with a new, strictly ebonic serial called "My Car, the Mother."

But then somebody thought maybe it should be replaced by a show about how, unable to compete with the "Just-in-time Socialism" of the East, the West had to abandon the market altogether and become the spiritual hemisphere of the planet, much as the East had once been.

Apparently rather than simply confront this dispute, which has already killed millions and impoverished hundreds of other millions, the head of marketing at Oxymoron would only release the statement that, "We've been unable to fulfill our commitments due to our lead singer's drug problems."

Some analysts think the problem is that Oxymoron has simply lost its moral compass. While another faction of analysts believes that Oxymoron has really just lost its moral handheld GPS device.

But after the press conference, Ernie Yokelovich, of Yokelovich Partners or whatever, of Swampscot, Mass, revealed that the whole dispute had begun because the staff at Oxymoron was divided into 2 groups:

"One group," he said, "Consists of about 2000 cyber-elitists who can both spell and do long division, and who speak in sentences where any high-culture reference is always immediately balanced by a low- or pop-culture reference, and where mentioning an obscure French Symbolist poet, is always punctuated by a cynical Norbert Weiner anecdote, or by using a parody distorted LISP operator in an adjectival prepositional phrase modifying the name of somebody's latest ad campaign or perpetually upcoming Wrestling Championship pay-per-view.

"The other group, consists of everybody else."

When pushed for further explanation, Yokelovich just said,"The crowd is mostly empty stadium consisting of about 5 or 6 elitist humans all desperate to be bio-JPEGged into the nano-stands with only about 10% loss in the tradeoff between connectivity and the so-called 'soul.' And even though they don't have a fucking clue who the murderer is, they've damn sure arrested and immediately put to death many hundreds of people caught trying to sell impressionist reconstructions of stolen photos of the crime scene, or whatever."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F