Monday, March 3, 1997
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Alleged Confessions Swamp Net

Dallas, TX - ( March 3) - The Internet release, late last Friday or whenever, of, you know, that story about the whole Oklahoma bombing Timothy McVeigh Fleetwood Mac confession thing, by the Dallas Herald-Times or Tribune-Examiner or whatever, has lead to a whole slew of, like, similar things where other papers have revealed other sets of notes taken by other defense teams or police or newsmen or tapes, or whatever, of the following confessions which they've all immediately slapped on the internet, so as to, like, supersede being slapped with injunctions or other court things and thereby avoid being denied the international fame and mega-stardom which should automatically accrue to being, as it were, that far fucking out there with this extreme fucking information.

First, internal statements made by officials at Microsoft and found on documents fished out of their attorney's dumpster and released by the Washington Star Times York Journal relating to their monopoly-style restraint of trade unfair practises, type things, reveal that Microsoft considered suing Miramax or Sun-Ra Pictures, or whoever, over its film "Sling Blade," for ripping off Microsoft's own currently in-production mock-indie film, "Swing Line" -- which is about a guy who goes around, like, killing people by stapling them to their own worst nightmare.

And documents fished out of Wired's attorney's dumpster by the San Jose Venus Flytrap Times Journal, reveal that Wired had long considered suing, you know, those 2 wacky Scottish guys who cloned a sheep in their basement lab last week, for, like, getting all that publicity when Wired Ventures in a joint, uh, venture with US Robotics, had long ago succeeded in cloning humans, or, at least, near-humans, which it has, for years, been using to write all its magazines and books and online columns and even press releases and even letters home to mum.

Internal documents containing transcripts of video tape editing sessions fished out of Sun Microsystem's videotape editor's dumpster and printed on their website by the Los Altos Gazette-Examiner Street Times, include Sun's President, Steve or Bob What's-his-name, waxing momentarily crypto-poetic, in referring to Java and the Java Marketing program as, "... the fumes I am flying on, in between rehabs. No?"

Doctored transcripts of doctored audio tapes of police interviews with the astral spirits of the dead LA bank robber shootout guys reveals that the police confessed to trying to rob the bank first, and the so-called robbers were just paramilitary guys who just happened to be nearby and were just trying to do their civic duty to stop them. Or maybe we misread the transcripts and they were really confessing that the whole robbery shootout thing was really just a diversion -- to cover-up their attempt to sneak out a safety deposit box containing pictures JonBenet Ramsey had taken of a badly bruised OJ Simpson, from the time she beat the living shit out of him.

More notes from Wired Ventures dumpster that required a couple of parallel MMX enhanced Cyrix 275 MHz PowerPC-6809's to paste the shredded pieces of back together in proper order, reveal that Wired plans to "re-invigorate" its flagging brandname by "Backing off the last few rounds of dumbing down we did," in order to "Capture huge untapped markets with the following new magazines -- based, not so much on our past content areas, or even political predilections, but more on the overall level of our discourse:

Hustler -- For Kids

Cigar Aficionado -- For Kids

Guns and Ammo -- For Kids

Car and Driver -- For Kids

Leveraged Buyouts -- For Kids

Suck -- For Kids

High Times -- for Kids"

Notes read off of re-taped-together shredded floppy and zip drive disks from Fox Broadcasting programming department and published on the website of the New York Daily Mercury Switch Sun reveal that the Friday LA bank robber police AK-47 or whatever riot-gear armor-piercing-bullets shootout was merely an episode of Fox's upcoming daily special, LA's Most Hilarious Police Shootouts, and the police just got carried away and forgot it was just TV, forgot they were in LA LA land, and so the bank robbers got pissed in return -- and whatever happened, happened.

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