Tuesday, March 3, 1998
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Senate OKs Acid for Airline Pilots

Washington, DC - (Mar 3) - Bill Gates went before the Senate judiciary anti-trust sub-committee today along with Scott McNealy, Jim Barksdale, the fabled Stewart Alsop and Michael Dell and maybe somebody else.

The purpose of the hearing was to see if computers could be made to appear as slimy as politics. And if not, to at least squeeze some more money out of Gates, who isn't kicking back a large enough per centage of his earnings to DC lobbyists.

Anyway, here's the verbatim transcript of what transpired between the Senate sub-committee and the 5 or 6 assorted computer industry leaders and hangers-on.

Sub-Committee Chairman, Orrin Hatch: You know, Mr. Gates, I keep getting this General Protection Error at 039D778E. What should I do?

Microsoft President, Bill Gates (wagging his tongue piercings at the Senator and flashing his butt-crack tattoo at the CSPAN cameras): Get a Macintosh.

Hatch: Mr. Gates, is it true Microsoft products utterly suck?

Gates: Yeah, but who cares? This whole industry's just so fucking OVER anyway, why even bother talking about it?

Hatch: Well, we gotta be righteous about something, and since everybody else hates your ass, you're the safest target in town.

Gates: Yeah, I'm down with that, Senator.

Hatch: Now Mr. Gates, since I stayed up all night last night learning to use a computer and the Web, I've got a bunch of questions I'm gonna have to ask you anyway.

Gates: You wasted your time, Senator. The Web was over 6 months ago. Maybe a year ago. It may have never even happened at all.

Hatch: What about all the hype, all the promises? What about Push technology?

Gates: Over. Over.

Strom Thurmond: What about Java, what about Wired Magazine?

Scott McNealy: Utter fucking bullshit, Senator. Utter disingenuous hype.

Kennedy: What about the $299.00 Network computer that even a ghetto kid can own.

McNealy: Utter advertising bullshit hype, Senator.

Hatch: Now is it true that your industry is almost single-handedly responsible for our incredible, unstoppable economic boom.

Gates: Everyone knows that, Senator.

Hatch: And so, by the rules of logic, if your industry is the basis of our economic boom, and your industry is OVER, then our unstoppable economic boom is OVER, too. Right?

Alsop: Correcto mundo, Senator.

Hatch: Uhhh, then whadda' you propose we do about this Senator. Oh, wait. I'm the Senator. Mr. Gates.

Gates: Well, we still have a shitload of merchandise in the pipeline and if you blow the whistle now, the stock market will probably go to 2000 overnight. So I think what you need to do is slowly start selling off your stock holdings, maybe move it all into deutschemarks or pork bellies, and meanwhile, you need to put all partisanship aside for a moment, Senator, and join us in heeding President Clinton's advice to Monica Lewinsky and Genifer Flowers and "just fucking deny it." Case closed.

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1998 by C3F