Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Friday, Mar 3, 2000
Staring At Shaking Around Browsers Leads, Ineluctably, To Getting Just Sooooooooooooooooo Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid, Harvard/Princeton/MIT Study Finds
A five year study just completed by a top multi-institutional, multi-disciplinary research team at the Massachusetts Institutes of Technology, Harvard and Princeton, has discovered that trying to read a long stretch of text on a violently shaking around browser window and then clicking on a banner ad in the upper left, IN BETTER THAN 9 OUT OF 10 CASES, causes the user to get, like, just soooooooooo immediately and totally, like, Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid!!!!!!!!!!!

"Browser windows that don't shake around aren't totally disappearing, but the range of ways that the browsers that do shake around, shake around, and how they do it, is going to become very broad, and should keep the world economy humming for at least until someone can dream up the next big industry consensual lie of what 'people' really better fucking want this time or it's fucking, you know, OVER!!" said John Warnock, chairman and CEO of Pass the Doobie Systems, a San Jose-based maker of software widely used by electronic self-punishers.

Ten examples of what the future of shaking around browser windows may hold went on display Wednesday at The Tech Museum of Inn Innovation in in San Jose.

"We are hoping to evolve a whole new race of humans with shaking around eyes," said MIT CEO, Rebecca Kramer, on sabbatical from MTV, "because these are the only kinds of eyes that can truly honestly read a shaking around browser window -- and these people will, of necessity, in order to accommodate their shaking around eyes, have to have shaking around brains, which will lead to all kinds of shaking around neuro-transmitters and other shaking around pre- and post-synaptic kindsa thingies, and is the only way we can ever have a new consciousness and so not have to live forever in a world where, apparently, next week is Stupid or Stupor Tuesday."

The name is a bit unclear because whoever phoned it in must have been going through a tunnel at the time.

Anyway, each year on Stupor or Stupid Tuesday, Bob Jones, who is the mythological hero of Stupor or Stupid Tuesday, goes from home to home delivering free samples of Mary Kay cosmetics.

So, at that point, everybody's thinking, hey, here's this guy who's just come out of nowhere, giving me, free, a wide assortment of Mary Kay Cosmetics -- with no strings attached -- just because it's Stupor or Stupid Tuesday.

So everybody's so happy about getting free cosmetics with no strings attached, they go out and spread Stupor or Stupid Tuesday cheer among everybody else, and eventually everybody's either in a stupor of happiness and bliss or is stupid with happiness and bliss, which is, of course, apparently, why they call it Stupor or Stupid Tuesday.

Unfortunately, the committee that has been meeting for many centuries now, in order to try to come up with a name for the Thursday that follows Stupor or Stupid Tuesday, still hasn't finished coming up with a name, although, apparently, they've been close several times, only to see their hopes dashed by, like, a situation akin to like where, say two Argentinians walk into a bar and one says, uhhh, you know, that joke about how 2 Panamanians walk into a bar and say let's not waste time trying to will welts on ourselves, huh, and then buy everybody a drink, but there's only one other person there, so they shoot him out of spite and form the Spite Girls but there's a whole national CNN-jury scandal over it anyway, and the guy was only there lookin' for a pain killer for, you know, a pinched (wink wink) "nerve."

Anyway, on the Thursday following Stupor or Stupid Tuesday, which doesn't have an equally incisive or insightful name yet and so no one notices that a car filled with 6-year olds beating off for pictures of murder victims methodically follows the path of the guy who was goin' around on Tuesday passing out free Mary Kay cosmetics and making everybody happy enough to go out and make everybody else stupid with happiness and bliss too and thereby make the world safe for oligopoly.

Anyway, the 6-year-olds, in groups of 2, are let off a few blocks away from the houses which they will now walk to so it doesn't sound like they were let off by some mercenary crew chief, and where they will now knock on the door and try to close the deal that was begun by Bob Jones on Stupor or Stupid Tuesday and, from which, people are still so blissed out on their asses, that apparently, they are willing to allow any 6-year-old, to close any deal on them regardless of how many firecrackers he eventually drops in their gas tank immediately after they've closed the door all smiles and gone back inside, and then runs away laughing, according to whoever phoned the story in while passing through a tunnel so a couple of words were indistinguishable but thanks to the vagaries of top-down language processing, it is possible to perfectly understand speech with more than 90% of the actual acoustic content missing, because it's all just such a load of shit anyway.


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