Friday, March 5, 1999
Hackers Hack Pentagon!!!

"So-called 'hackers' have apparently so-called 'hacked' the so-called 'Pentagon,'" said Representative Curt Weldon (R-Pennsylvania) whose special House Subcommittee on Hackers Hacking the Pentagon met yesterday and were told by hacked Pentagon officials how hackers had hacked the Pentagon the day before.

According to Weldon, "hackers" are apparently people who "hack" things, and the "Pentagon" is apparently some building modeled after the Satanic symbol for "the kick is good!"

"Fortunately," said Weldon, "the hacker attack was discovered and successfully repulsed by Pentagon security, and though the hackers did manage to get away with a couplea $500 Pentagon toilet seats, they were forced to flee long before they were able to get to any of the $950 Pentagon ashtrays.

People Are People Too

In the biggest deal ever between 2 companies with only 7 total letters in their names and no ampersands, IBM and Dell, agreed to give each other $16 billion dollars and a hamburger today, in exchange for paying each other back $16 billion dollars tomorrow.

"Since a total of $64 billion dollars will ultimately change hands," said a spokesman for The Billions of Dollars Changing Hands Foundation, "this will be the largest deal ever between 2 companies with only 7 total letters in their 2 names and no ampersands."

The complex deal, which because so much money was involved, had to be tightly structured to appease many varied and psychologically erratic interests, also included provisions to:

1) Silence those people who are now going around to garage sales claiming that culture is just a big focus group without a focus.

2) Support Nature by buying his tee-shirt in large quantities and forcing citizen volunteers to wear them at sick rallies where everybody leaves depressed.

3) Silence those people going around claiming that all social reality is just a footnote to Weekend At Bernie's II.

4) Support people with enough presence of mind to call a press conference the moment they come out of 6 month or longer comas and the first thing they say at the press conference is, "and the last thing I remember was deciding to call this press conference just as soon as I snapped out of my damn coma."

5) De-fund all research aimed at finding out just exactly how many levels down we are -- and down from WHAT??

6) Silence people going around saying that he who doesn't learn the mistakes of History will be condemned to going around without some great bogus stories in his repertoire.

7) Buy enough gaffers tape to cover all possible gaffing situations for the total duration of the filming of the film version of the hit pop-Philosophical novel "Beano and Nothingness."

8) Fund 39 more episodes of the hit TV series "World's Most Violent Sanctimonies," and 56 more episodes of the hit TV series "World's Most Sanctimonious Acts of Violence."

9) Contribute liberally to the Crispin Glover/2000 Presidential Campaign Fund.

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