Friday, March 7, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Buggy JonBenet Clone
Ruled Out

Boulder, CO - ( March 7) - Boulder Colorado Police, despite having claimed they weren't gonna talk about suspects in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case, yesterday, decided to, like, talk about some suspects in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case, and disclosed the names of the 2 former possible JonBenet murder suspects who had just been ruled out.

"JonBenet's half-clone, Mary-JoanBenet, has been ruled out as a suspect in JonBenet's murder or whatever," Chief Jones or whatever of the Boulder police, said, in a fax to the press.

"Anyway," the fax continued, "It turns out that Bill Gates of Microsoft of Redwood or Redview or Redwhatever, Washington, has put a bug in JonBenet's clone that makes its handwriting sample look exactly like JonBenet's mother's handwriting sample. So why bother?"

The chief went on to also eliminate Denise Brown Simpson, the sister of Nicole Brown Simpson, from the list of JonBenet murder suspects because "Apparently she was at a meeting of her lesbian satanic ritual murder cult at the time, when they were busy planning out the weird ritual sex-murder of her sister, a fact that was covered up by Mark Fuhrman in his book on crooked Albanian pyramid investment schemes."

JonBenet's clone, a conduit for illegal Chinese campaign contributions, is expected to be the Republican Re-Unification Party candidate for President in the special election of 2028. Her running mate is, as yet, unnamed, but, for the sake of balance, it is expected to be either a non-lesbian or a non-JonBenet clone.

Bestsellers List

1   HIS NAME IS MARK, by the Goldman Family with Fran Drescher, (Smirnoff Media, $29.95). The Goldman family bitches and whines about the fact that alleged genocidal racist Mark Fuhrman's book is outselling their own sanctimonious goop.

2   MURDER IN MURDERTOWN, by Dean Snooze (Stoli Books, $24.95). A former popular Green Bay Packer head coach and murder suspect comes out as a lesbian on TV and accidentally solves the double murder of her great-grandmother and Woodrow Wilson.

3    HIS NAME IS MURDER, by Dan Snooze (Johnny Walker Books, $29.95). A former FBI agent probes a dynamic html page and comes up with an Active Desktop plug-in that kills.

4    MURDER BY KILLING, by Don Snooze (Bloody Mary Publishing, $29.95). A former special forces trainee and his cat, hunt down illegal drug-dealing campaign contributors for a clandestine unit of the FBI in 1950's Sacramento.

5    HIS NAME IS DON, by Marco Trafficante (Radon House, $29.95). An ex-Mafia Don, and his cat, Don, hunt down the cold-blooded murderers of rogue members of a clandestine FBI unit run amok in 1930's Louisiana.

6    SWEET AND SOUR SOUP FOR THE SOUL, by WilliamBenet Bennett (Righteous Brothers Books, $29.95). Uplifting tales of virtue, morality, success, and happiness.

7    THE HOLLYWOOD CAREER BITCH MURDERS, by Jackie Collins (HarperCollins, $29.95). In Hollywood, a bitch commits murder for the sake of career. Or something.

8    I'M FASTING AS FAST AS I CAN, by Dick Snooze (TomCollins, $29.95). Eat nothing and die. Simple approach to everything.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F