Monday, March 9, 1998
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Ex-Nanny To Wed Ex-Intern

Natick, MA - (Mar 9) - Can a former English au pair girl and possible baby killer find happiness with a former White House intern and possible presidential fellatiatrix? This time-honored question (and more) will be answered early next month when Nanny Trial superstar, Louise Woodward, weds Presidential Sex Scandal superstar, Monica Lewinsky.

According to the couple's agent, Lucianne Goldberg, speaking through an interpreter, the couple, after a brief honeymoon in Santa Monica, will "Settle down in Amarillo, Texas and devote their lives, full-time, to personally finishing the super-conducting super-collider by hand, in order to probe deeper into the heart of matter and discover the ultimate unified field theory ancillary to the soul of nothingness."

Meanwhile, Goldberg's interpreter, Rebecca Kramer, told reporters, the couple will spend their Santa Monica honeymoon finishing up their soon-to-be runaway blockbuster bestselling novel Nanny Trials Are From Pluto, Presidential Oval Office Blowjobs Are From Uranus.

However, according to sources at the New York Times, ex-au pair, Louise Woodward, had only yesterday broken off a 3-month engagement to former Washington Post reporter, Carl Bernstein, who shortly thereafter cancelled their former book contract with Simon and Shuster for the former soon-to-be runaway blockbuster bestselling novel and play, Woodward and Bernstein Are Fucking!!.

In documents leaked to Newsweek, however, Woodward admitted the real reason she was breaking off the engagement to Bernstein was not so she could marry Lewinsky, but because she feared that if the book Woodward and Bernstein Are Fucking!!, were ever released, people would just write in the word "Goofy!!" after the word "Fucking," and then, where would the species be?

However, in secret supreme court testimony leaked to the Washington Times, it was suggested apparently by Bernstein in his rebuttal to Woodward's deposition that, "Yeah, but so what happens when Nanny Trials Are From Pluto... comes out and people start crossing out 'Uranus' and writing in 'Goofy!!' anyway -- or, worse, don't cross out or write in anything, and just leave it as it is?"

In her rebuttal, Lewinsky claimed that "Things are changing so fast, the concept of change doesn't even exist anymore. -- So, like, why fucking bother?"

Other News

In news from the world of medicine -- apparently, everyone who ever knew or even spoke to Bill Clinton, mysteriously died today -- of natural causes.

In other medical news -- Ken Starr and Linda Tripp were both suddenly diagnosed with advanced Alzheimers early this morning.

In weather news -- a freak electrical storm in the Washington DC area has, apparently, erased all audio tapes in the office of the recently hospitalized with advanced alzheimers special prosecutor, Ken Starr.

In aviation news -- all regularly and irregularly scheduled airline flights exploded mysteriously in mid-air, today, apparently on the off chance that they might just happen to, you know, be carrying anyone who ever knew or talked to Bill Clinton or to even someone one or two degrees of separation removed.

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