Monday, March 10, 1997
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Feral Bureau of Investigation
Announces Suspect 3.0

JonBenet, DC - ( March 10) - Growing increasingly bored with its current two suspects, Timothy McVeigh and Terry Riley or Terry Winograd or Brownie McGee and Sonny Terry or whatever, the FBI has hired Lucas Films, of LucasFilms, California, to come up with an animatronic 3rd suspect who can be tried and convicted in the now likely event that the first two guys get off scot-free because the FBI's so royally fucked-up the whole case -- apparently out of respect for, or in homage to, or in solidarity with, the OJ Simpson criminal prosecution team.

3rd Force Software (the parent company of this publication) promptly sued the FBI for infringing on its copyright or trademark or whatever, in using the word "3rd" to name its latest suspect.

According to an unnamed member of the 3rd Force Software legal department, "Since all our products are, uhh, you know, suspect, the FBI's use of the phrase '3rd Suspect' would seem to be a blatant disregard or whatever of our, uhh, copyright thing or trademark thing, or whatever."

The 3rd suspect, of apparent mixed Chinese and Native American ancestry, apparently blew up the federal building because he was pissed that Presidential candidates for both parties had completely ignored his millions of dollars in illegal and unethical campaign contributions and not given him what he'd wanted and what he'd been lead to understand was a stipulated fucking quid pro quo of the whole fucking contribution, to begin with.

It is believed that once the software is completed for the animatronic 3rd suspect, and the FBI has gone through the motions of tracking him down and capturing him, his testimony will contain, not only the solution to the whole Oklahoma City bombing thing and the whole campaign contribution finance Lincoln bedroom Indonesian China Indian drug thing, but also the solution to the whole TWA flight 800 or whatever thing and the whole JonBenet Ramsey case and the whole OJ Simpson trial and the Alger Hiss trial and the disappearance of Amelia Erhart and the whole who really is? the walrus, on Sgt. Pepper, thing.

FBI director, and former REO Speedwagon lead singer, Louie Freeh, or whatever, announced that, at the end of this TV season, the FBI, because of its numerous raging fuckups in this case and in others, will be getting, like, totally the fuck out of the business of so-called "investigation" and getting totally into the adult hardcore porno video field.

"We will be doing hardcore lesbian porno films featuring real people in the news or celebrities who appear regularly on TV," said Director Freeh.

According to the head of production at FBI Video, their first release, in the 2nd quarter of '97, will be the feature film, "Babes of the Citadel," followed, in the 3rd quarter of '97 by the feature, "Babes of the Weather Channel."

Timothy McVeigh also announced that, now that he's been acquitted of all wrongdoing or bombing or whatever, he'd totally stop blowing up buildings and try to re-form his old group, Fleetwood Mac, possibly including bombing co-suspect Terry Riley, or whoever on, like bass, or whatever.

In a related story, former Vice-President, Al Gore, denied that China had been granted most favored nation status in exchange for a box of rare psychedelic Chinese mushrooms that Tipper accidentally scarfed down in one sitting.

When asked which part he was denying -- the gift itself, or Tipper accidentally scarfing it all down, -- Gore replied, "Whichever part you think is wrong."

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