Wednesday, March 11, 1998
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Capitalism Is Outta Shit

Peoria, IL - (Mar 11) - According to CNN, capitalism has run the fuck out of shit to foist on an unsuspecting public.

"Capitalism has just about run the fuck out of worthless shit to foist on those big dumb hillbillies out there, the population of the world," a spokesman for Capitalism told an unnamed CNN reporter in an exclusive interview early this morning.

"Those big dumb hillbillies out there may be dumb," he went on, "But they sure know what they don't want. And what they don't want, is almost everything we've come up with lately to try and make them want."

The spokesman went on to claim that either Capitalism is just fucking stoooooopid, or the barrel is just truly empty this time, when it comes to any new product or thing or even service that anyone could possibly ever want or need or even be made to want or need.

"Changing color and style doesn't even work," he sobbed. "8-year-olds are the only ones left who even care about that shit anymore, and even they're starting to lose it.

"The only commodity we have left that we can keep selling new versions of is: the human. And even there, being a celeb isn't about having some talent or even being a good schmoozer, anymore -- it's just about being that rare person whose fucking guts the people of the world, for some utterly unfathomable reason, don't fucking hate on sight. Or else being that one rare person they hate sooooo fucking much, they wind up loving him."

But Capitalism has, apparently, not given up. "We will continue to fight this 'end of products' crisis," the spokesman insisted, "And even if we can't come up with anything new that anyone wants, we will, at least, spend lots and lots of stock market funny money in the process of pretending, which'll, at least, make it look like something's happening for, at least, the next 2 or 3 years or so. And, after that, well, who really gives a flying fuck?"

The spokesman went on to outline an ambitious plan to build public re-education camps where people would be taught not to be so cynical, and where they'd learn to be able to not think that every slimeball is a slimeball. And to be able to perceive fine gradations along the continuum of slime.

"They will still think that some slimeballs are slimeballs," the spokesman said, "But, of course, those'll be the slimeballs with low end production values, -- so slimeballs with money, who pay their dues, should be OK."


The spokesman was, also, pleased to announce, that while capitalism retools its, uh, tools, it is being maintained by brisk sales of at least one hot new commodity. "It's like VCRs in 1985," he said. "People just can't scarf up enough copies of the new runaway hit bestseller, The Organic Toxin Cookbook: 1001 Free Naturally- Occurring Toxins That Taste Good and Act Fast."

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