Friday, March 12, 1999
Something Voted Most Something Or Wins Something

At an awards ceremony held somewhere, something was voted the most something or the most likely to be or do something, or else it just won something. It's not clear which.

Anyway, whatever it really was, it would've been just a waste of everybody's time anyway if it wasn't either, like, the award for being on top of some list of the top 100 something of the millennium or the award for being the first femtosecond of something eternal and stupid, or the "Too Much Information!" Award for ideas being too much about ideas about who is chewing up who, or too much about ideas about the premiere post-scandal Olympic sport where you roll crab apples out into medium-trafficked city streets and then laugh your ass off whenever one gets smashed by a car or truck tire, and whoever's crab apple's getting crushed makes the other person laugh hardest longest, is the winner.

But then again, maybe it couldn't be an award for this, because, as recently uncovered by the Moonie Daily News, this is really just one of many unfortunate leftover long-range anti-American Communist plots set in motion over 40 years ago and just now reaching fruition and starting to take effect, but, with the fall of the Soviet Union blah blah blah, there's nobody around anymore to shut them down or supervise them, so they continue on of their own momentum, out of control, blindly, relentlessly, taking over the world, one frozen strawberry at a time.

Soylent Green Is People Too!!

Researchers have identified the first gene known to suppress the desire to not stop until EVERYTHING around you is reduced to either tightly compressed matter-energy packages or waste gas.

The award for this, or the award for even being able to conceive of an award for this, was awarded last week at, uhhh, uhhh, at the signing of the first fast fist force amendment to the declaration of phoned-in flavor-of-the-month independence. On a shingle.

The gene, known as the Barnes and Nobel Prize for Misspelling 'Noble' gene, consists of pretty much a buncha adenines, a buncha guanines, a buncha cytosines, and a buncha thymines. But who's counting?

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC