Thursday, March 13, 1997
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Cloned Sheep Have Acid Flashbacks, Senate Learns

Wash, DC - ( March 13) - According to unnamed Capitol sources, the Senate, of all people, has apparently been gettin' kinda antsy to weigh the ethical implications of something, and so, after lengthy deliberations, has determined they might as well weigh the ethical implications of something like human cloning -- which most likely won't happen till long after they're out of office, anyway, so who cares.

So beginning sometime yesterday and continuing on maybe even today or longer, who knows, the Senate has been calling people to come on down and testify about whether there should be human cloning or not.

So first they, appropriately, had the Scottish guy who cloned the sheep, Doctor Bronner or somebody, come down to the Senate and tell them how unethical it would be to clone a human, and how instead they should just use his soap to brush their teeth and wash their hair and how they should "eat rice and just stop being slimeballs, and then there'd be universal peace and love."

Gloria Estefan testified that if there were cloning, she'd invent a medical device called The Miami Clone Machine, and if there weren't, she'd just start a group called that.

The airline pilots union testified that if there was cloning, next time they wouldn't go on strike when they wanted their salaries raised from $120,000 a month to $140,000 a month. Nooooooo. Instead they'd just stick their clones in the cockpit and let them crash a few fucking planes -- with 300 plus non-clones on-board. "Beats the crap out of arbitration," the pilots' union spokesman said.

Dennis Rodman testified and said, "If there's cloning, then, what if somebody cloned Charles Grodin. Charles Grodin got all pissed and said, Yeah, if there's cloning, what if somebody cloned Rosie O'Donnell.

Senator Dingleball yielded his time to the floor to point out that "The remains are justified by the ends," and then voted to abstain from the resolution to table the amendment to postpone the vote until criteria had been set to seat a committee who could decide the matter once and for fucking all.

Cher testified that if there was cloning, then somebody might go all wacko and clone Sonny Bono, or Sonny Bono Allman. And Sonny Bono testified that, if there was cloning, someone might just clone Joey Ramone, "just because it fucking rhymes!"

Secretary of Health, Education and Exits to Brooklyn, Donna Tralala, stated that, if there were human cloning, people wouldn't have to bother pretending to be men anymore and everybody would just get TV shows and come out as lesbians -- which, of course, leads to medical marijuana, which leads to LSD, which leads to PCP which leads to DMT, which leads to heroin, which leads to poppers. And then where would we be?

Almost-about-to-be-former LA Police Chief, Willie Williams, testified that he didn't know shit about cloning, but, on the eve of being removed from his job, he just wanted to announce that he'd just personally solved all 1020 previously unsolved murder cases for the last 5 years in the city of LA, and that all suspects had signed written confessions and were in custody and awaiting trial. "And if you wanna read their confessions, they're all on either the Hustler or the Penthouse or the Buxom Babes website," Williams said.

When pressed to say something about cloning, so he wouldn't have to be arrested for contempt of Congress, Williams pointed out that "If there were cloning, then we could clone all these suspects and then we'd know who did it when they committed their crimes again, then we could arrest them all, and then there wouldn't be any more crime. So I guess if there was cloning, it would mean the end of all crime."

"But of course," the Chief added, moments later, suddenly realizing something, "Since cloning also leads to heroin and poppers, I guess the cycle would never end, and nothing'll ever change. So why bother?"


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F