Monday, March 15, 1999
Microsoft Split into 4 Groups!!!

The government or somebody or nobody in particular has ordered so-called "Microsoft," the makers of the popular computer game "Microsoft Flight Simulator," to break up into 4 distinct divisions according to customer groupings rather than product lines. The 4 customer groups are: losers, losers, losers, and losers.

"Each new Microsoft division," said Microsoft president, Jim Microsoft, "will tailor everything it does to its particular customer group. Losers, for example, will be treated like losers."

Time Magazine Voted Time Magazine Of The Year

In ceremonies held last night at Awards Ceremony Auditorium in Awards Ceremony Center, in downtown Awards Ceremony City, New Mexico, Time Magazine was awarded the coveted Time Magazine of the Year Award for being the magazine most like Time Magazine.

"We were in excellent company," said Time Magazine founders, Joe Timer and Ira Magaziner, referring to the fact that the runners up for the coveted prize were Instant Death Magazine, Sudden Death Magazine, Complete Death Magazine and Utter Total Death Magazine.

Time Magazine also won the coveted Not Newsweek of the Year Award for being the most Not Newsweek Magazine of the Year.

And CNN was awarded the prestigious Saying the Name Time Magazine More Than Anybody Else Award for saying the name "Time Magazine" more than all other all news cable networks put together.

So-Called "Government" OKs So-Called "Deal"

The so-called "government" has apparently OK'd a so-called "deal." The so-called "deal" is apparently between AOL and Netscape. AOL is apparently a company or something and, apparently, so is Netscape. The terms of the so-called "deal" are that all Netscape employees and users and all AOL employees and users, will put their fingers in their ears and go "La la la la la ...." whenever anybody says anything.

Somebody Runs Out of Drugs

Somebody, like, you know, somebody, has apparently run out of drugs today. So far, the implications of this are unclear, but spokesmen for both sides say repercussions could apparently range anywhere from locally catastrophic to globally apocalyptic. The UN Security Council has been called into special session and Secretary of State Rebecca Sunnybrook....


There was some high-pitched noise from a motor or something. It kept getting more, then less piercing. That must have been from moving around cause the pitch and timbre stayed the same. Also, it was changing too much to be moving around outside and not eventually be gone. So it must have been moving around inside somewhere where the insulation and resonance or whatever was changing as it moved. So it must have been the lady next door, room by room, chain sawing the legs off all her furniture.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC