Monday, March 16, 1998
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Will He? Would He?
Willey? Woody?

Washington, DC - (Mar 16) - An angry President William Clinton, apparently, came storming out of the White House late last night, collaring random people on the street and telling them the true story of his encounter with former White House volunteer, Kathleen Willey:

"Look," the President told them, "She said she was in tough financial straits -- she needed money. You know -- I just happened to have this big roll of quarters in my pocket, so I put her hand on it and told her not to worry."

Within minutes, however, apparently, the Kathleen Willey PR Machine had agents moving through the streets of Washington, going up to the people the President had just spoken to, and telling them the real true story.

"The man's lying," the agents told the random people. "He didn't have no stinking roll of quarters in his pocket. -- He had a roll of recently discontinued Susan B. Anthony $1 coins. The sexist pig!"

Clinton also told random passers-by that Willey had looked distraught and dishevelled when she came to his office. "There was a large dark-colored thread on her light-colored sweater, and I grabbed it and plucked it off to help her look a little neater," he said, "And it must of had a pretty strong static charge cause it took me several tries to get off -- uhhh, as it were.

Democratic contributor Nathan Landow was also circulating through the crowd, telling people that he had absolutely not in no way told Willey to claim that the roll of Susan B. Anthony dollar coins in Clinton's pocket was actually just a plain old roll of quarters.

"Clearly," said Landow, "That was just a roll of quarters in his pocket. But everyone knows it's almost impossible to tell the difference between Susan B. Anthony dollar coins and a roll of quarters, so Willey was just making a perfectly natural mistake."

Clinton did, however, admit to accidentally kissing Willey on the lips -- "I went to kiss her on the forehead," said Clinton, "To console her, but suddenly I had this vicious acid flashback, and I thought I was with Paula Jones who's a lot shorter, so I just aimed lower. Next thing I remember, I was on the hotline with Boris exchanging blowjob jokes, preparatory to bombing the fuck out of Libya or Kuwait or wherever.

As the evening progressed, Clinton lightened up, groping and fondling everyone he met, and showing them his big roll of quarters, if you know what I mean.

"Hey," he told people, "Did you catch that interview on "69 Minutes," last night. Huh? Any question about who the real slick Willey is? Huh?"

Eventually, Clinton forgot about politics altogether, and casually riffed away on pop culture topics. When asked, for example, about shock-pop star Marilyn Manson, Clinton told the 16-year-old questioner, "Well, you gotta give the guy at least some credit for intelligence. After all, he coulda just as easily called himself Charles Monroe. -- And then where would the fucking species be??!"

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