Monday, March 17, 1997
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Did Chinese Contributions Influence US Fire Drill Policy?

Wash, DC - ( March 17) - A White House spokesman admitted today that the White House had accepted illegal Chinese campaign contributions aimed at influencing US national policy.

"We were offered $2 million dollars," The spokesman said, "If we would push for legislation making the Chinese fire drill the official fire drill of the United States of America."

The spokesman stated that, though the money was accepted, the legislation was never sought, and, instead, the White House had simply made a token gesture, by requiring all passengers to execute a full Chinese fire drill anytime the Presidential motorcade or any government vehicle was stopped at a stoplight, stop sign, railroad crossing or toll booth.

National "Get Shit-faced Day" -- Americans all over America celebrated National "Get Shit-faced" day, today, by getting royally shit-faced and beating the fucking shit out of each other in arguments over who's the biggest dickhead, in barroom brawls all over town.

Many of the celebrants opted to wear the traditional green, because it blends in so well with puke.

President Clinton put in a special call to O'Brien's Pub to wish all the well-wishers well, telling them how he wished he could be there with them, getting shit-faced an all, but apparently alcohol doesn't mix too well with the PCP and crystal meth he's on, right now.

Citing the old compassion-fatigue-syndrome defense and clearly over-leveraged in the manic headspace department, the President suddenly got really pissed and told everybody to "just shut the fuck up and mind your own business," then abruptly hung up the phone.

Meanwhile, in Ireland, the home of ire, people just sat around reading Dylan Thomas, listening to Thomas Dolby, and gracefully smoking dope.

Major Calls for UK Elections -- English or British or UK or whatever Prime Minister, Jim or Joe or John or whoever Major, today, called for national elections to be held on May 1st.

According to the British system of Parliamentary government, the Prime Minister is allowed to call for new elections whenever the fuck he feels like it.

"I'm calling this election," said Major, "Not simply because I fucking feel like it -- but because, how else can we get our fair share of illegal Chinese campaign contributions?"

US Congress resigns -- Saying they were all a bunch of disingenuous, money-grubbing, slimeball, egomaniacal, self-important, self-righteous, self-centered, soulless, dishonest buffoons, the members of the 105th Congress all submitted their resignations today, in order to give the American people a chance to rethink what the fuck they're about.

The hypocritical, double standard, red herring, disingenuous, straw man, emperor's new clothes, self-righteous, sanctimonious, ass-licking, pampered members of the press immediately applauded them for their "honesty and courage."

Disney Announces New Unit -- The Walt Disney Company announced the formation, today, of a new division or spinoff or whatever, which will combine several small corporate-creative entities recently purchased by Disney. The new company, Hannibal Lecter-Barberra, as the name implies, will produce gruesome, ultra-violent, animated features for pre-school kids and toddlers.

The Press Resigns -- The Press called a press conference today to announce that they were getting the fuck out of the business of pretending that things that don't matter do matter, and that things that do matter, don't matter.

"From now on," said a press spokesman, "We will only cover things that matter, in an honest and objective fashion."

The spokesman refused to take further questions and, along with the rest of the press, promptly went home and went to sleep for the rest of the millennium.

Mexican Drug Czar/Kingpin Escapes -- The William Bendix of Mexico, speaking to an empty table, kind of indirectly indicated, today, that alleged drug kingpin and drug czar, William Bennett, had escaped from police custody during an unexpected earthquake which occurred while the car that was transporting him was stuck in traffic behind an unexpected thunderstorm and nearby LA police shootouts.

According to Drug Lord Squad members, Starsky and Hutch, they'd have Bennett re-captured in a day or two. According to Bennett, they'd never see him again. According to drugs, "If Bennett isn't around to sell us, then somebody else will be. So blow me."

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