Hollywood, CA - (Mar 18) - According to CNN or Newsweek, the 46th or 52nd or whatever annual Academy Awards ceremonies of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences or whoever, scheduled to take place possibly next week sometime, has been utterly fucking cancelled!

"The Academy Awards have been utterly fucking cancelled!" the CNN or Newsweek spokesman told an unnamed source close to the independent prosecutor's oval office.

According to the CNN or Newsweek spokesman, the Academy Awards were cancelled because, apparently, "Hollywood's just, you know, so fuckin' LAAAAAAME!"

Clinton Impeachment Ceremonies Cancelled

According to Michael Isikoff or Madonna's Baby, the 46th or 52nd annual impeachment of President William Clinton scheduled to take place possibly tomorrow or next week sometime, has been utterly fucking cancelled!

"The impeachment of President William Clinton has been utterly fucking cancelled!" a spokesman for Madonna's Baby or the Wall Street Journal told an unnamed source close to closeness itself.

According to Madonna or Celine Dion, the impeachment was cancelled because, apparently, "Congress is just, you know, so fuckin' LAAAAAAME!"

Windows98 Cancelled

According to CNET or Olivia Newton-John (and assuming the two aren't synonymous), the 46th or 52nd annual release of Windows98 scheduled to take place possibly this summer, fall or winterspring sometime, has been utterly fucking cancelled!

"The release of Windows98 scheduled to take place possibly this summer etc., has been utterly fucking cancelled!" a spokesman for CNET or the Olivia Newton-John Street Journal told an unnamed source close to Kathleen Willey.

According to Madonna or Celine Dion, the release was cancelled because, apparently, "Microsoft is just, you know, so fuckin' LAAAAAAAME!"

Survey Finds That Surveys Suck

A survey of people who've created and administered surveys shows that these people were either drunk, stoned, tripping, angel dusted, or nodding out on smack at the time they devised their surveys, and when they tabulated and interpreted the results.

Further, the survey shows that the actual people giving the surveys, when surveyed, were found to have been, themselves, either drunk, stoned, tripping, angel dusted, or nodding out on smack at the time they gave the survey.

And further surveys of people responding to surveys show that these people were, likewise, either drunk, stoned, tripping, angel dusted, or nodding out on smack at the time they took the surveys.

However, analyses of results of this survey when compared with the results of the surveys they surveyed relative to the precise state of the survey giver and survey taker show that, in the instances where the survey giver and survey taker were both drunk or both stoned or both tripping or both angel-dusted or both nodding out on smack, then the result of the survey turned out to be 100% accurate.

However, if the survey giver was, say, drunk, but the survey taker was, say, tripping, then the results of the survey turned out to be off by exactly 90 degrees.

However, if the survey giver was, say, stoned and the survey taker was, say, angel-dusted, then the results were shown to be off by 180 degrees.

And so on.

Anyway, the moral of the study or the story is: It makes sense that someone would send a message back from death to life, so the only real question is the same as the only real question for everything else: Who's fucking lying and who fucking isn't?

And, if anyone actually isn't, then, at this late date, why not?