Monday, March 22, 1999
Stars Given Prestigious Nobel Prizes Or Academy Warts

OK, there were apparently some secret Nobel Prizes or Academy Warts or something given out last night but it was kept totally secret so China couldn't steal it and give out pirated Nobel Prizes or Academy Warts to their own insta-clones and not pay any copyright taxes or whatever, and then, when President Reagan or Nixon or whoever goes over there and says hey you're ripping off our fucking Nobel Prize or Academy Wart winners and you better pay us our damn copyright taxes or whatever, they just go huh what never heard of it and/or just stick their fingers in their ears and go La la la la la.

But anyway, last night's Nobel Prizes or Academy Warts were given out by the Academy of Emotionless Picture Warts and Scientologists at a ceremony held in a small basement or garage on the outskirts of town where people with the pure genetic chemical stamina to tell the world lame jokes and not die from it, told each other lame jokes first, to warm up.

Apparently the ceremony itself was structured more like a variety show than like a day in the life of death, which was how it was structured last year and the year before and the year before that.

Most of the acts, however, were just demos of the phantom brain phenomenon, a popular medical curiosity where the brain is no longer there, but somehow enough of a phantom of it is there to still think it's still there. This is also apparently the same force that underlies all other forces and particles and information in the universe and has pretty much made the whole Unified Feel Theory thing pretty much just so fucking yesterday, if you know what I mean, to the point where even just talking about it will most likely keep you from winning the coveted Nobel Prize or Academy Wart for, you know, not talking about it.

Anyway, the big winner of the night was somebody who won the coveted Nobel Prize or Academy Wart for not being Sarah Michelle Gellar, and then everybody else who showed up won the coveted consolation Nobel Prize or Academy Wart for hovering just on the brink of being monstrous parodies of themselves. Or monstrous parodies of the emotions they were dressed as. Or both.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC