Monday, March 23, 1998
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Tactical Nuke Mars
Celeb Promo Show

Holywood, CA - (Mar 23) - Fortunately everyone's expensive new Versace-from-the-grave designed clothes and hairdos had been thoroughly photographed before a stolen Russian tactical thermo-nuclear warhead hidden in the back seat of a stolen 1975 Toyota Corolla, parked outside the Shrine Auditorium in downtown LA or wherever, exploded, tonight, shredding aforementioned clothing and hairdos and scattering celebrity debris to places as far away as Oxnard and El Toro.

According to CNN, this was the first on-site, tactical thermo-nuclear explosion in the 50 year history of the Academy Awards.

"This is definitely," said Bernard Shaw, "The first fucking tactical nuclear explosion in the whole fucking history of the fucking Academy Awards. And, if my constant and repeated use of the word "FUCKING" offends anybody out there, I'm really really sorry. Really. And so is Ted Fucking Turner!"

According to Academy President Jack Valente's mouth, which was found still running, somewhere in Century City, "This sudden unexpected total wiping out of ALL American celebrities WILL NOT mean the end of American cultural hegemony over the world. No fuckin' way! In high schools and colleges and back rooms, and garages and hi-tech cubicles all over America there are talented, charismatic stars just waiting to be born. So I predict to you, here today, that our Industry will rise again, Centaur-like, or Cyclops-like, or Golden Fleece-like or whatever, out of the rubble of this great Greek or Roman, or Greco-Roman tragedy...."

French actor Gerard Depardieu, who has appeared in every French film ever made, said, despite his advanced age, he was still ready and willing to appear in every American film ever made, from today on, just to help take up some of the slack. And he claimed he was sure the Spice Girls would be willing to do the same.

Several has-been and wannabe pop groups and singer-songwriters have already rushed to cash in by recording hundreds of remakes of crappy old Elton John songs re-written to include the names of one or more celebs killed in the blast -- with ditties like, "Le - Le - Le - Leonardo and the Jets" and "Schwarzennegar's Ca - Ca - Ca - Candle, in the Wind (If You Know What I Mean)," already accidentally screaming up the New York Times Bestsellers List.

Meanwhile, fragments of the formerly Full Monty were found scattered as far south as, like, El Monte.

Fortunately, according to Newsweek, "These celebs are all just holograms of themselves, anyway, where each pixel is a complete and unique and independent celebrity, so, apparently, no one has to worry cause stupidity can still go on forever!"

Yeltsin Fires EVERYBODY's Ass

Hey, Boris Yeltsin just fired fucking EVERYBODY, early this morning, following a breakfast of screwdrivers chased by bloody mary's, or vice versa.

"Hey, you're all fuckin' outta here," Yeltsin told his entire cabinet, once he'd assembled them all in the cramped ante-chamber of his hospital room or dacha or whatever, and kept them all waiting there for about 5 hours.

When asked to give the reason for the irrational outburst, Yeltsin told reporters, "Sorry, dudes, but I just couldn't relate to those boring old guys anymore. Like I'd come in all shit-faced on Stoli, ready to party, and these assholes are there, like, all staring at the ceiling tiles and, like, trippin on 'shrooms or DMT or whatever."

Yeltsin also claimed, basically, he just wanted to do something to get himself on CNN, and was too sick to go out and shoot up a high school or to become an au pair girl and go on trial for killing a baby.

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1998 by C3F