"That pesky old consti-TUTION," said Bush, "is crashing our STOCK market and making our young children be, like, all dumb, an' shit."

Bush stated that the 200-year-old document was "all faded and hard to read, anyway, and has too many big funny-sounding WORDS, and too many wacky high-fallutin' NOTIONS to be any good to anybody, anyway, except maybe a buncha SISSIES."

"There's too many of those 'fuzzy' a-MENDMENTS," Bush told reporters. "No wonder we're in a re-CESSION. -- Who can get any work done around here with all those namby-pamby 'freedom of this' and 'freedom of that'..?"

Dick Cheney, whose heartbeat is the heartbeat they are talking about when they say Bush is just a heartbeat away from the presidency, backed up Bush 110% -- the same amount OJ said he didn't kill Nicole by.

Bush noted that the American people shouldn't worry or feel "in-SECURE" while the Constitution is under suspension, pending a thorough re-write by Dick Armey.

"During its sus-PENSION," Bush told his staff, "the shoes of the US Constitution will be more than totally adequately be filled by its Supreme-Court-appointed re-PLACEMENT, the Haliburton dress code."

Bush stated, that, while they were at it, the Supreme Court should also decide to replace "that illiterate and confusing old Declaration of Ind-EPENDENCE with the much HIPPER Alcoa employee drug-testing HAND-book."