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Friday, March 23, 2001
  Bush Suspends "Pesky" Constitution
(Reuters, March 23) - George W. Bush, today, finally suspended that pesky old Constitution of the United States which has, for so long, stood in the way of our fundamental American values such as no saying "piss" on TV and no not consuming like a motherfucker.

"That pesky old consti-TUTION," said Bush, "is crashing our STOCK market and making our young children be, like, all dumb, an' shit."

Bush stated that the 200-year-old document was "all faded and hard to read, anyway, and has too many big funny-sounding WORDS, and too many wacky high-fallutin' NOTIONS to be any good to anybody, anyway, except maybe a buncha SISSIES."

"There's too many of those 'fuzzy' a-MENDMENTS," Bush told reporters. "No wonder we're in a re-CESSION. -- Who can get any work done around here with all those namby-pamby 'freedom of this' and 'freedom of that'..?"

Dick Cheney, whose heartbeat is the heartbeat they are talking about when they say Bush is just a heartbeat away from the presidency, backed up Bush 110% -- the same amount OJ said he didn't kill Nicole by.

Bush noted that the American people shouldn't worry or feel "in-SECURE" while the Constitution is under suspension, pending a thorough re-write by Dick Armey.

"During its sus-PENSION," Bush told his staff, "the shoes of the US Constitution will be more than totally adequately be filled by its Supreme-Court-appointed re-PLACEMENT, the Haliburton dress code."

Bush stated, that, while they were at it, the Supreme Court should also decide to replace "that illiterate and confusing old Declaration of Ind-EPENDENCE with the much HIPPER Alcoa employee drug-testing HAND-book."


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