Wednesday, March 24, 1999
Microsoft Opens Privacy Center

While everyone just bitches and moans about privacy, privacy, privacy, the Microsoft Corporation of Redmond, Washington, today, announced that hey, they were gonna fucking DO something about it.

"We are proud to announce the opening of the new Microsoft Privacy Center," said Microsoft spokesperson Rebecca Sunnybrook, who went on to explain how the new Microsoft Privacy Center would pretty much solve all of everybody's bitches and moans about privacy privacy privacy.

"The new Microsoft Privacy Center," said Sunnybrook, "will pretty much solve all of everybody's endless bitchings and moanings about privacy privacy privacy by allowing everyone to just bring us all their private personal information -- their medical records, tax records, phone logs, naked pictures of sex partners, phone bills, rolodexes, blood of murder victims, credit card bills, divorce papers, sentimental personal tchotchkas, investment portfolios, prison records, and all their dirty filthy secrets too sordid to talk about -- and just hand it all over to the highly-trained receptionist at the Microsoft Privacy Center front desk, and then just turn and walk away, absolutely positively 110% certain that all their private privileged filthy information will now be totally absolutely 110% private from that moment on."

PC Sales Tank As PC Sales Soar

Despite making progress executing their direct model fundamentals and accelerating their business transformations, assorted PC makers revealed today that sales of PCs had apparently totally tanked, even as sales of PCs were also apparently reportedly soaring, with more than 500 million Americans now owning PCs so they can surf the so-called "internet" to find the best prices on the PC they will buy to replace the piece of shit PC they just bought to surf the internet, and which, once it arrives in the mail, they'll use to start their own home business called either "IBM" or "Intel" or "AT&T."

"Fuck your lame shit ass," said a spokesman for IBM or Intel or AT&T, who are bracing for the flood of new home businesses also named IBM or Intel or AT&T which all those 500 million people will now be starting out of their new home offices now that they've gotten new PCs powerful enough to take on and eventually destroy IBM, Intel, AT&T and Microsoft, thereby crashing the stock market and causing world depression which, in turn, forces them to also fold their bankrupt new home businesses called IBM, Intel, or AT&T, and to sell their brand new piece of shit PCs in order to buy, you know, like, corn meal mush and water.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC