Tuesday, March 25, 1997
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Scientologists Give Oscars to Fat Brits and Scientologists

LALA, CA - (March 25) - Fat British penguins, slobbering Australian psychos, and other assorted big old fat white guys with funny accents, dominated the, er, 69th annual Academy of Motion Picture Scientologists Awards show, held, late last night, in an LA broom closet because, despite its prior cancellation due to extreme bogosity (and in the words of its producer, who chose to remain anonymous pending notification of next of kin), "The show must go the fuck on!"

Winners of the Academy Award received the coveted Oscar, a gold-plated replica of L. Ron Hubbard, as well as 100 free autographed copies of "Dianetics: the Modern Science of Mental Health," which they, of course, would have absolutely no need of, themselves, being already totally "clear", an' all, but could probably give out, en masse, to their mega screwed-up friends and family members.

The show began with a quick, one-minute parody of all nominated films and actors, which proved, beyond the shadow of a doubt, how utterly bogus and unnecessary and uninspiring and dishonest and cliched and empty and soulless, and self-important, it all was. But so what? And the show went on.

The first 15 hours or so, of the telecast, was devoted to the technical awards. Here are the wieners:

Best use of Intel MMX technology with inappropriate software: Tom Cruise

Best use of Microsoft's "Total Disk Failure; Shutdown System" Error Message, in a musical Comedy: John Travolta

Best use of Java security holes in the original screenplay of a romantic comedy: Kirstie Alley

Best cinematography of a FireWire Plug 'n play installation: Shirley Mclaine

Best sound editing of a 6.4 Gigabyte hard disk crash: Nicole Brown Kidman

Best 9 minute close-up of a tomato seed in a dramatic film: Tom Cruise

Best lighting using only a 100 Watt incandescent bulb in a musical comedy: John Travolta

Best song written in Esperanto and adapted from a Pig Latin infant murder nursery rhyme: Kirstie Alley

Best really fat, but non-Brit, gofer or PA working on a musical comedy production: Placido Domingo

Best slow motion close-up of a slowly spinning, half-split-open pea pod, gracefully emitting its contents: Priscilla Presley

Best automotive effects in a pastoral drama: Eddie Deezen

And here are the wieners of the big Academy Awards that everybody cares about, and which were quickly dispatched in the last 2 minutes of the show: (wieners were selected according to their rank in the Church of Scientology hierarchy):

Best Actor: Eddie Deezen

Best Supporting Actor: John Travolta

Best Actress: Kirstie Alley

Best Song: "Don't Cry for Me, Merchant-Ivory"

Best Picture: "Hey, Hey, Hey -- Who the Fuck Needs Merchant-Ivory, Anyway?"

Best Documentary by a non-Scientologist, not on acid: "Who's Afraid of Either Merchant-Ivory or Keenan Ivory Wayans?"

Special Achievement by a non-fat-Brit, non-scientologist guy with a funny accent: Billy Bob Whatever

Special Hypocrisy about Meritocracy Award: Francis McDorman

Most Humungous Piece of Shit of a Foreign Language Film: The English Patient

Best Film produced by a non-Brit fat old white guy, but directed by a fat old Brit: The English Patient

Best film about a bunch a fucking Brits farting around: The English Patient

At the end of the show, pop diva, or whatever, Celine Dion, sang several songs by Selena and Dion and the Belmonts.

As usual, as part of their penance for having sold out and having such sickly bloated egos, the stars in attendance were forced to wear really icky stuff that made them mostly look really creepy.

But, somehow, they all seemed to get away with this -- maybe because they all had their fashions designed by a seasoned pro, a guy who knows what the fuck he's doing, and how to take something really ugly and somehow make you think it's really cool: Emperor's Clothiers of Beverly Hills and Washington, DC.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F