Friday, March 26, 1999
Death By Value Proposition

Several people who just couldn't seem to stop incessantly using the phrase "value proposition," were found dead in their garages this morning, the victims of either apparent smoke inhalation or apparent whatever else the other current flavor of the month ways of being found dead are.

"Fuck the evolution of the structure of the universe," said a spokesman for the remaining unmurdered people who just can't seem to stop incessantly using the phrase "value proposition" at every motherfucking opportunity, regardless of time of day or the gentle sounds of people puking uncontrollably in the background.

Members of other non-governmental interest groups were either more or less sanguine about the murders, depending mostly on what they thought "sanguine" meant.

A spokesman for the State department stated that a statement would be forthcoming but, in the meantime, the circumstances under consideration clearly could not continue indefinitely and would most likely just wind up going on forever as they were.

A spokesman for Legoland said, "Hey, leggo 'a my leg."

A spokesman for Time-Warner explained how they were actively pursuing a policy of vertigo integration, which is why all their products were starting to become, like, all woozy. Like their films were sort of sliding in and out of projectors during screenings, and the paragraphs in their magazines were gradually shifting off the page and then gradually returning, or Judy Woodruff and Bernie Shaw were sort of gradually sliding back and forth between incoherency and whatever else their usually valiant attempt at the opposite usually produced.

A spokesman for the Campbell Soup Corporation denied rumors that cans of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, one year past the expiration date, can spontaneously explode with a force equal to an original 1945 "thin-man" atomic bomb, but without any of the accompanying radiation.

A spokesman for the history of world culture stated that despite being it so he didn't have to be a consumer of it, he was nonetheless taking a course in when it might be inappropriate for the definitive article about civilization to just say "'nuff said."

Meanwhile, a spokesman for civilization explained how shutting it down for a few days and then doing a cold re-boot was necessary because somehow it had erroneously evolved to a state where the main consumers of so-called "adult content" were so-called "adolescents" and the main consumers of adolescent content were so-called "adults."

Gary Busey was unavailable for comment

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