Friday, March 27, 1998
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CNN Made Me Do It!

Atlanta, GA - (Mar 27) - If your school guidance counselor was right and there is such a thing as "your permanent record," this is going on Rebecca Kramer's: On March 26, 1998, the 9-year old set off a small, homemade nuclear device at her elementary school, vaporizing everything within a 3-mile radius.

At her press conference, held just beyond the range where fallout from the "dirty" blast was falling, Ms Kramer denied any primary responsibility for the act.

"Though I did construct and detonate, a small homemade, 1940's-style 'thin man' nuclear explosive device with plutonium I bought over the internet with my parent's credit card from a disgruntled former Soviet physicist," Kramer told reporters, "I had absolutely nothing to do with the primary motivation behind this act. -- CNN made me do it!"

Kramer then went on to detail a whole series of harassing calls from Newsweek, Time, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and Geraldo, begging her to do "something vicious fast."

"A heavy-breathing Geraldo told me," Kramer said, "That I had to help them out. People were sick of the Clinton sex thing, and now the media was left hung out to dry. They needed a new more brutal story fast, and could I please please do something like, you know, set off a homemade nuclear device at my elementary school, so they'd have something to talk about and not have to go out of business, causing massive widespread unemployment, including my own parents, so I won't even be able to afford to buy homo-erotic bath toys anymore."

In other stories: If your elementary school guidance counselor was right and there is such a thing as "your permanent record," this is going on Kirk Vomit Jr.'s: In 1998, the 7-year old wore an "Incest" t-shirt to school on "Murder Day."

School officials say the shirt was an insult to visiting executives from Murder Inc., and ruined a school picture in which students spelled out the word "Murder."

The "Murder in Education" Day was part of the school's effort to win a $500 local contest run by Murder Inc. of Atlanta and a national contest with a $10,000 prize.

Vomit Jr. wore a blue-and-white-striped shirt with a small "Incest" logo underneath another shirt. He waited until just before the picture was taken to remove his outer shirt, school principal, Beverly Firestone told reporters.

"It's not a Murder vs. Incest kinda thing," she said. "It has nothing to do with that. It was a student deliberately being disruptive and rude."

The Murder contest offers $500 to the school that comes up with the most creative method of distributing promotional discount cards to students.

In addition to the school picture, school officials invited a Murder marketing executive to address economics students, had chemistry students analyze the neural substrate of Murder and devised a Murder cake recipe in home economics.

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