Thursday, March 27, 1997
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Bringing It All Back Home
The Web Made Me Do It

This is the true story -- of 39 people -- picked to live in a house ... and design websites....

Rancho Sante Fe, CA - (March 27) - Thirty-Nine website designers were found dead, yesterday, in Rancho Sante Fe, California, the result of an apparent mass suicide. Rancho Sante Fe is a posh enclave in North San Diego County, where people mostly join polo clubs, hire illegal aliens to take care of their horses, and buy breast implants for their latest girlfriends.

The 39 website designers had apparently decided to commit mass suicide earlier in the day, after getting together and agreeing that the whole web is just so much utter fucking bogus boring bullshit, why even bother?

"I was trying to read Salon yesterday, but it's just so fucking limp," said Rebecca Kramer, the only survivor of the mass suicide, who'd gone out for bagels or something, and missed it. "Then I looked at Suck. Really creeeepy! I'm sorry I went out for bagels. I'd rather be on Pluto now, with my brothers and sisters, if that's the best the web has to offer."

When told that Salon and Suck weren't the best the web had to offer, and that it was merely that some impressionable and mindless people had been hyped into believing that they were, Kramer seemed not to understand.

"Impressionable people, being conned into believing someone else's lie, simply by force of character or PR or just lotsa paid shills?" said Kramer, "That's not possible. People are too smart for that. Especially people smart enough to know HTML and how to make animated GIFs."

Kramer went on to express her hope that other website designers and junk emailers and web content developers would quickly follow the lead of the Ranch Sante Fe-39 and that Rancho Sante Fe would become a kind of clarion call, like Ruby Ridge or Waco. "There's still room on board that UFO behind the Hale-Bopp Comet," she said, "That can take you to the ultimate java-enabled website in the sky -- where there's no browser compatibility problems whatsoever. And you don't need creepy advertisers to survive."

Kramer said she believes there are "potentially tens of thousands of people, teetering on the same brink as the Rancho 39," and that a rash of similar and possibly even larger mass suicides could sweep through the internet community.

"Because they are so injured," she said, "These people can be fiercely competitive for even the tiniest speck of turf -- so you may see a whole stream of ever larger groups, competing to see who can commit the largest mass internet suicide."

A spokesman for Wired's online red ink machine, Hotwired, said they were currently looking into this as a whole new business model for the web.

"Advertising doesn't work," he said, "Direct sales generate squat. And no one'll pay subscription fees. So we're taking a very serious look at the upside dollar potential of internet mass suicide, and I know other leading content developers will be seriously looking into it, as well, over the course of the next several months."

Sites all over the web are bracing for the predicted rash of copycat mass suicides, and Suck management has gone so far as to allocate an extra nerf football per cubicle, and an extra 5 minute break, each day, to play with it, and consciously think about letting off that pent up mass suicidal steam, building up inside website staffers everywhere.

So add to the list that begins with Disgruntled Postal Employee, the name Spiritually Blissed-out Website Designer.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F