Monday, March 29, 1999
New Technology Compresses 30 Times Better Than MP3

Sony Corporation, the makers of Sony blank videotape and creators of Sony Guard brand mercenary paramilitary units, today, announced the development of a new technology which, on average, can compress music by a ratio 30 times greater than the popular MP3 (MPEG 1, Audio Layer 3) technology currently in widespread use by sociopaths, poly-drug abusers, and people who've left the Gartner Group over issues of conscience.

"Our new compression technology," said Sony President, Joe Sony, "works by detecting Celine Dion and Madonna songs and basically just compressing the living shit out of them till they're down to their bare essence, i.e. NOTHING!!!"

(In an aside, however, Sony noted that the technology would not compress Madonna covers by, like, the Drop Nineteens or Sonic Youth, or Dion and the Belmonts covers by, like, Fudge Tunnel.)

IBM Touts Evasive [or Invasive] Computing

Saying that "the computer is dead," the IBM corporation of Armonk NY or Boca Raton FL or who the fuck knows where or is even counting, today, announced that what isn't dead is so-called "evasive" computing. Or invasive computing. Whichever.

"Evasive [or invasive] computing," said IBM spokesman Joe IBM, is when computing is going on EVERYWHERE but you can't see it going on ANYWHERE whenever you try to look for it -- thanks, of course, to such patented IBM evasive [or invasive] computing technologies as, as..., well, you know."

Evasive computing, or possibly invasive computing [it's hard to determine which, due to the poor quality of the taped press release which was injected at a press conference held in the dream state, and only triggered much later in the so-called "waking" state when reporters, at home, without knowing this, watched the premiere of a certain prime-time, animated TV show] apparently operates at the fundamental levels of the so-called "fabric of reality" -- the levels of quarks, amino and nucleic acids, neurotransmitters, and the verbs "to be" and, unfortunately, "to have."

"In this way," said IBM, "all forms of resistance to stupidity are instantly colonized."

Dark Matter Is PEOPLE!!!

Apparently the universe shares more with the movie "Soylent Green" than just Edward G. Robinson.

Astrophysicists or astronomers or whoever, who've apparently just recently noticed that they've, whoops, somehow kind of overlooked 90% of the matter of the universe, announced today that they've finally either discovered or figured out what that missing 90% of the universe, you know, like, is.

"The missing so-called 'dark' matter of the universe," said astrophysics spokesperson, Joe Astrophysics, "just like in the movies, is PEOPLE!!"

"Specifically," interjected Radio Astronomer, Joe Radioastronomer, "so-called 'dark matter' is composed of all the people who've died since the beginning of time and are still 'out there,' unable to be reincarnated because they refuse to be reborn first, a few billion consecutive times, as fruit flies in ultra high-speed genetic experiments where the genome had been modified to the point where each generation turns over in just a couplea femtoseconds."

Of course, these people HAVE TO resist reincarnation, since, without them, the universe would have imploded long ago, and we wouldn't be able to be here today to talk about how they don't exist.

Apple to Sell Branded PalmPilot

Apple will sell an Apple-branded version of the popular PalmPilot computing device, interim Apple president, Joe Apple, announced today.

"The new Apple-branded PalmPilot," said Apple, "will have several features that no other version of the PalmPilot has."

According to Apple, one of these new features is how you can crumple it up into a crab-apple sized ball and competitively roll it out into heavy city or freeway traffic.

"After a car or truck runs over it," said Apple, "and the traffic slows enough for you to run out and pick it up, you'll find that, regardless of how totally destroyed it is, the screen will still quite accurately display the score of how competantly and completely it was smashed to shit."

As part of promoting the device, Apple will award to any winner of any multi-player game based on this feature, a highly-valued prize consisting of 5 letters taken randomly from the ancient secret 7-letter word you can say to reality in just the right way at just the right time so that, suddenly, unknown, unimagined holes open up in it.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC