Wednesday, April 1, 1998
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White House Sex Candle Uncovered In Oval Orifice

Washington, DC - (Apr 1) - Apparently a so-called "sex" candle has been discovered in the so-called "White" House.

Shocked and dismayed spokesmen for the drugs lobby and the rock 'n roll lobby told a press conference, earlier today, that they would immediately impeach the President up the wazoo, if he didn't quickly have a so-called "drugs" candle and a so-called "rock 'n roll's" candle in the White House, as well.

A spokesman for the White House told reporters that he didn't really need to tell reporters anything -- as they most likely already knew what they could, you know, "do" with the latest so-called "sex" candle.

Baseball Opening Day Delayed

Apparently, yesterday's so-called "opening day" of baseball had to be cancelled when a last minute bug was found in the software controlling the 32,000+ animatrons that ballparks use to fill their stands with life-like "fans."

"Since no one comes to these fucking games anymore," baseball owner, Rupert Murdock told reporters, "We've had to call in Lucasfilm and Digital Creations, or whoever, to fill the stadium with these bogus entities, so the players and the losers watching on TV at home, don't think they're the only ones."

The software bug, discovered just moments before Drug Czar John Cafferty or whoever, was to throw out the first "ball," apparently resulted in the animatronic "fans" occasionally inserting the, you know, "hot dog" in the wrong, you know, "orifice."

Though a spokesman for Microsoft would not confirm or deny which orifice this was, or whether it was the same orifice every time, she did, however, absolutely unequivocally deny that there was any involvement whatsoever with the "so-called" Microsoft Orifice.

Netscape Releases Code

Netscape Communication Disorders Inc., today, posted the entire fucking source code for its entire fucking so-called "Communicator 5.0" suite of internet stuff.

Rather than critique and pontificate about its meaning, relevance, etc., we've posted the actual code below, in its entirety, uncensored, so readers can decide for themselves:

*** Communicator 5.0  complete source code  ***


print "N E T S C A P E   R U L E Z !!!!";

# leave the rest as an exercise for the user
# cause, after all, like, who really gives
# a shit about the fucking "web" anymore, anyway?


# cash in stock options, buy Ferrari or whatever,
# leave town

AOL Doesn't Buy Intel

AOL has, apparently, NOT purchased Intel, or whoever, today and, as a result, Intel will NOT purchase Bell Atlantic, or whoever, tomorrow.

Coke will also, apparently, NOT buy Microsoft, but Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, said that he will still buy some coke anyway.

Wired apparently will also NOT partner with CNET which in turn will NOT either buy or merge with General Electric.

Also in the news, Time-Warner will NOT buy Disney, and Disney, apparently, will NOT buy AT&T, either.

When reached for comment, Disney chairman or ex-chairman or whatever, Michael Eisner, or whoever, said, "Apparently he gets paid the, you know, 'big bugs,' or, uhh, the big 'bucks' because he is willing to fall backwards into 5 inches of mud, for as many takes as it takes to get it right."

Eisner further stated that "See, if you had the sound off, you would have thought she was working against Rowdy Roddy Piper, rather than with him. But then, later, you think she really is against him and she's pointing a gun at his head and he obviously thinks she's against him, too -- and then she fires the gun and you think, 'Whoooooah, it's all over!' but -- NO -- she actually shot the guy who was sneaking up to try to stab Rowdy Roddy Piper from behind. -- And the moral of the story is: 'It isn't over till Yogi Berra sings "Louie, Louie" a capella with his pants off.'"

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