Wednesday, April 2, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Fucking, Down

Baja, California - (Apr 2) - According to a survey performed in the last few days by NBC News in conjunction with CNN, Microsoft, Yankelovich Partners and (cough) the AC Nielsen Company, the total amount of pure, raw fucking going on, is down. Way down.

"Apparently," said Rebecca Kramer, a Wired staffer, and authority on the decline in fucking, "People all over the world have cut through the media bullshit and picked up on the real message of the Rancho 39 Heavens Gate Internet Mass Suicide Cult -- which is simply that Celibacy rocks! and Castration kicks ass!"

She also claimed that "Only celebrity car crashes and mass suicide itself seem to be getting anybody's rocks or whatever, off, at all, anymore, even."


According to Wall Street analyst, Lucas San Cabo, "A mutual fund is like a car pool, and a bull market is like a tunnel. And carpool tunnel syndrome is what you get from irrationally fearing the erotic possibilities of a fatal crash while doing 90 in a tunnel, in total darkness, guided only by the sharply attenuated sounds of other cars and investors, bouncing off the walls, but partially drowned out by the piercing screams coming from the members of your own fucking carpool."

Shares of electronics giant VrmmmmmCo, plummeted 20 points, today, on news that their projected quarterly earnings had exceeded all expectations, but the amount by which they'd exceeded all expectations was only slightly greater than the amount they were actually expected to exceed all expectations by, and analysts thought that, despite the fact that it was greater than they'd expected, the fact that it wasn't very much greater, meant the stock must be an utter fucking piece of shit. So they destroyed it.

AOL buys Compuserve!

According to some source or other, AOL has just bought Compuserve. "Apparently," the source, who chose to remain anonymous, said, "Compuserve has just been bought by AOL."

So it looks like AOL has bought Compuserve. This will mean that Compuserve will now be owned by AOL and that there will only be AOL/Compuserve instead of AOL and Compuserve. According to an industry analyst, "If AOL buys Compuserve, I guess it'll mean that AOL owns Compuserve. Whatever that means."

When asked if anybody even gave a flying fuck about the purchase, Steve Case, CEO of AOL said, "Even I don't give a flying fuck about it!"


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F