Friday, April 2, 1999
Whole New Universe Discovered!!!!

Astronomers have apparently discovered a totally new universe alongside our own, but structured completely differently vis-a-vis its structure.

"The structure of the new universe is called 'the toilet,'" said Garth Register Jr., an involved bystander in evolution, "because it works like a toilet. Everything just spirals off into infinity at the flick of a wrist."

Register claimed the new universe was, however, like, no fuckin' skin off his nose.

Register Seeks Republican Nomination

As a result of being mentioned in the preceding article, Garth Register Jr. has decided to seek the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States in the year 2000.

Said Register, "Because of having appeared in the preceding article, I am so encouraged, that I have decided to seek the Republican nomination for the presidency in the Year 2000."

Former Presidents Bush, Reagan, Carter and Ford all immediately came out in support of Register, as did former Vice-Presidents Quayle, Quayle, Quayle and Quayle. Also Clinton and Gore came out in his support as did George W. Bush and Liddy Dole and Lamar Alexander and Colin Powell and former Secretaries of State Kissinger, Baker, and Christopher if he's not dead, and former Chief Justice of the Supreme Court Rodney King, and former CIA Director Woolsey and former FBI head What's His Name and Mohammed Ali and Sylvester and Frank Stallone and Kim Basinger -- although the Baldwin brothers are still sitting on the fence about supporting him.

"I guess I got a lotta mileage out of that mention in the preceding article," said Register, "and if you send your name and $850,000 to the Washington Pissed, you too can probably have the Baldwin brothers sitting on the fence about supporting you too."

History Repeats Itself

History repeated itself today when it told itself it would kick its fucking ass if it didn't stop repeating itself, but then, whoops, as soon as it finished saying this, realized it had told itself to stop repeating itself once before, so now had to kick its own ass as promised for this, and then realized, the moment it had finished kicking its own ass, that it had kicked its own ass for this once before, too, so that now it would have to kick its own ass for kicking its own ass again, but then, as soon as it was done kicking its own ass again, would have to immediately kick its own ass again for having kicked its own ass again, again, and so on, recursively, forever.

Jane Austeen has written extensively about the price of this and about prejudice in her new book, "Price and Prejudice."

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC