Thursday, April 3, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Apple Buys Ellison;
Ballard Buys Apple

Concertina, CA - (April 3) - In a series of surprise moves, Apple Computer Corporation of Concertina, California, has purchased the violent action figure, Larry Ellison (whose super-power is the ability to spew non-stop bullshit streams) from Cheesebro, Ponds Corporation, makers of Cheeseballs or something, and J.G. Ballard, the author of "Crash," has bought the Dow Jones Corporation, owners of the Stock Market, which has, in turn, just bought Apple Computer Corporation, solely for the purpose of owning the Larry Ellison action figure. So go figure.

"Maybe this is part of the market correction," said Rebecca Kramer, a broker for the firm of Kidder-Nobody. "The market will explore the erotic possibilities of smash-ups between corporations, for awhile, and then, in the end, it'll all be, you know, correct."

Pinsky named Doggerel-Laureate

Robert Pinsky, a guy who claims to be a poet yet he works for Slate, was named Doggerel-Laureate of the United States, yesterday, in a ceremony held on the White House lawn, unless it was snowing, in which case the ceremony was held inside someplace, or maybe there wasn't even any ceremony to begin with. Who the fuck knows.

Anyway, Pinksy was chosen for his soulless, pedestrian doggerel, devoid of feeling or wit, and his utterly clunky use of language and creepy ideas (sort of the Suck of the literary world).

When asked how he could now possibly find time to write another poem or haiku, given all his duties as Doggerel-Laureate, Pinsky smirked a knowing, intellectual smirk, and promised us that he'd work night and day in every spare moment, with every last breath, during his tenure in office, in order to produce " least one damn good poem about Yogi Berra and a drosophila or E. coli, or something."

DEC goes rect

Though the myth that the average consumer gives a flying fuck about picture quality should have been dispelled long ago by their choice of VHS over Beta, still, with TV sales flatter than a Wired "idea" piece, consumer electronics stores need something new to sell. So the FCC has just pulled a number whereby everybody is forced to buy a new digital TV in a few years, or else be a complete loser.

"Though there's zero benefit to the consumer, who has to buy thousands of dollars in new equipment," said Rebecca Kramer, a communications analyst with the brokerage of Kidder-Nobody, "It's comforting to know that, with this big digital thing sitting in your livingroom, you'll always be able to get a quick digital rectal exam, anytime you want."

Wired buys Uranus

According to Disinfoworld and Anti-tainment Weekly, Bill Cosby, Beverly Sills and Johnny Cash have formed a new country-ambient group called Cosby, Sills, and Cash.

Said Sills, about the new group, "We want to appeal to a wide range of music lovers. From the lush who sits around listening to the Stones -- to the guy who sits around stoned, listening to Lush."

Celebrities Join Ranks of Recently Mass Suicided

Who cares. Gates, Ellison, McNealy, Andreessen, Barksdale, whoever, Steven Segal, blah blah, Scwarzennegar, Rosie O'Donnell, Pat Buchanan, Demi Moore, Bruce Willis, etc. etc., they all felt this mysterious force move deep inside them that somehow connected them to the mass suicide thing and they all fucking killed themselves. Now all their businesses and TV shows and movies are like, gone, ended, over, disappeared. And who gives a fuck.

The suicides were found with stacks of old Wired magazines beside their dead bodies, and gray matter splattered all over the wall. Apparently they'd all killed themselves by reading Wired till the bullshit detector in their brains exploded (approximately 10 minutes).

Wired buys Wired

In Denmark, a group of young thin lesbian heroin addicts has started an online zine called "Tarantino's Next Film," which will try to dominate the niche for online zines whose editors and publishers and writers and designers run around endlessly making lots of noise, but which, in the end, never really come out, or even bother being designed.



Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F