Washington, DC - (Apr 3) - According to Paula Jones' attorneys and/or Newsweek, President Clinton was apparently kidnapped and subjected to genetic experiments for 2 days, during his 12-day trip to Africa, last week.

"Clinton's DNA was removed," said Newsweek "reporter" Michael Isikoff, "and a new gene was added, and then the modified DNA was put back into one of Clinton's brain cells."

According to Isikoff or Jones, the gene that was added produces lysergic acid diethylamide, or whatever, on a timed-release basis, forever.

"Lysergic acid diethylamide or whatever," said Jones or Isikoff, "is also known as LSD-25, a so-called 'hallucinogenic' drug that makes its users go all wacky and say things like, how, you know, 'January's 4.7% unemployment rate was the lowest in 28 years,' when, in reality, the unemployment rate was 4.6% only a few months ago, and things like how, you know, 'this is the strongest economy in history' and then a few minutes later say things like how, you know, 'this is the strongest economy in a generation.'"

Which is exactly what President Clinton did today, in his whacked-out speech on the so-called "economy."

"It's obvious," Vice President Al Gore told an emergency joint session of Congress, "that with all his sex scandals over, and now permanently whacked-out on acid, President Clinton is just gonna be too boring, on the one hand, and too looney, on the other hand, to continue as our President."

Gore told the assembled Congressmen that they should "just give Clinton a round of applause and a gold watch or shower, and appoint as our NEW President, somebody better suited to keep CNN and Newsweek informed and entertained, i.e. either Jerry Springer or Geraldo -- or maybe even both -- in a kinda he-said, she-said, hardball, crossfire kinda Presidency, where the co-Presidents are always trying to punch each other's lights out to improve ratings.

Before he could be removed, however, Clinton passed a Presidential order requiring that the American flag be re-designed by the guy who does Ray Gun, and by Robert Rauchenberg, using psychedelic yin-yang mandalas or whatever, in place of the stars, and strings of peyote buttons, in place of the stripes.

CNN Revamped, Renamed!!

In a stunning reversal of the very laws of human nature and decency, CNN, the so-called Cable "News" Network, today, shocked the media and communications world by announcing that as of May 1st, it will change its name from CNN, the so-called "cable" news network to SNN, the utterly "Snotty" News Network.

"The News," remarked Ed Turner, CNN CEO or president or whatever and no relation whatsoever to so-called "Ted" Turner, the "owner" of CNN, "is gonna be pretty much, you know, OVER, once this White House sex scandal thing is finished, and no one's gonna sit still anymore for stories about tax reform and highway bills and campaign financing. Even nanny trials are OVER as a means of appealing to the ravenous, blood/sex-thirsty cravings of the so-called 'American people.'"

Turner explained that, starting in May, when CNN becomes the Snotty News Network, the entire old staff of boring old anchor people, would be replaced by "a whole new staff of snotty little wise-ass motherfuckers, who sit around on camera, all day, making snide and crude comments about public figures, in between farting and belching at the ends of news stories about human tragedy and despair."